blind_html [Fwd: [icon-discuss] OT but funny]

  • From: Nimer <nimerjaber1@xxxxxxxxx>
  • To: blind_html@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Fri, 06 Mar 2009 08:52:40 -0700



-------- Original Message --------
Subject:        [icon-discuss] OT but funny
Date:   Wed, 31 Dec 1969 21:48:51 -0700
From:   Jahmal Lovato <jahmallovato1@xxxxxxxxx>
Reply-To:       jahmallovato1@xxxxxxxxx
To:     icon-discuss@xxxxxxxxxxxxx



This is off the braillenote list.
I thought you all could use some laughs, so I sent it to you!
Enjoy,
Jahmal
----Forwarded message----
On Thu, 05 Mar 2009 12:38:24 -0600, Mr. B. D. Rurry wrote:


I love this Doctor!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you
can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more
than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need
grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get
even
more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one
to one.
If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...
Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's
the
best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me..

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! "Round" is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had
about food and diets..

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the
other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO,
What a
Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those
conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks
than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and
fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what
kills
you.
Why Moms Drink



A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that
his bed was  nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she
saw the envelope, addressed to Mom and propped up prominently on
the pillow.  She opened the envelopes  with trembling hands and
read the letter.





Dear Mom,


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I have
eloped with my new girlfriend to avoid a scene with you and Dad.

I have found real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. I knew
you  wouldn't approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight clothes and the  fact that she is much older than
I am.
It's not only the passion  Mom, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for
the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it ourselves and trading it with our neighbors
for food.
Please pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can
get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I will be back to visit so you can get to know your
grand-children.

Love,


Your Son John




P.S.- Mom, just kidding.....I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life  than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer.  Call me when
it's safe to come home.


My Resume...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned-comcdn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it,
so
they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
for x-comit was
a
so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too
exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef-figured it would add a little spice
to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut
the
mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I
wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have
any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't
fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
couldn't live on
my
net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but
the
work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I
wasn't fit for
the
job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a
job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit
because it was
always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!!!


Blessings
Rhonda Stogner
rlhs2009@xxxxxxx


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Nimer M. Jaber

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