-------- Original Message -------- Subject: [icon-discuss] OT but funny Date: Wed, 31 Dec 1969 21:48:51 -0700 From: Jahmal Lovato <jahmallovato1@xxxxxxxxx> Reply-To: jahmallovato1@xxxxxxxxx To: icon-discuss@xxxxxxxxxxxxx This is off the braillenote list. I thought you all could use some laughs, so I sent it to you! Enjoy, Jahmal ----Forwarded message---- On Thu, 05 Mar 2009 12:38:24 -0600, Mr. B. D. Rurry wrote: I love this Doctor! Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! "Round" is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.. And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND...... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. Why Moms Drink A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw the envelope, addressed to Mom and propped up prominently on the pillow. She opened the envelopes with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I have eloped with my new girlfriend to avoid a scene with you and Dad. I have found real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. I knew you wouldn't approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. It's not only the passion Mom, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it ourselves and trading it with our neighbors for food. Please pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I will be back to visit so you can get to know your grand-children. Love, Your Son John P.S.- Mom, just kidding.....I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. Call me when it's safe to come home. My Resume...
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned-comcdn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
for x-comit was
a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too
Then I tried to be a chef-figured it would add a little spice
to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
couldn't live on
my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I
wasn't fit for
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a
job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit
because it was
always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!!!
Blessings Rhonda Stogner rlhs2009@xxxxxxx ___ Replies to this message will go directly to the sender. If your reply would be useful to the list, please send a copy to the list as well. To leave the BrailleNote list, send a blank message to braillenote-unsubscribe@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx To view the list archives or change your preferences, visit http://list.humanware.com/mailman/listinfo/braillenote -- Nimer M. Jaber The information transmitted is intended only for the person or entity to which it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or privileged material. Any review, retransmission, dissemination or other use of, or taking of any action in reliance upon this information by persons or entities other than the intended recipient is prohibited. If you received this in error, please contact the sender via reply e-mail, and delete the material from any computer. Website: http://www.empowertheblind.org Phone: (720) (251-4530) blind_html To unsubscribe, please send a blank email to blind_html-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx with unsubscribe in the subject line. To access the archives, please visit: http://www.freelists.org/archive/blind_html Thanks