<USS Avalon> =/\= To Feel And To Be =/\= (part one)

=/\= To Feel And To Be =/\=
(part one)

(With thanks to the writer who so kindly took over writing the Cam 
character!)


He led her from the restaurant and through the Employees' entrance to the 
Lodge. They walked hand in hand, he could still feel her shaking and could tell 
that she was growing more nervous as they went. He softly squeezed her hand to 
reassure her.  "Relax, we will do nothing you do not wish to do. And I promise 
you will enjoy everything that you allow to happen."  He turned and smiled at 
her playfully, before opening the door to his cabin. "Computer, lights to 20 
percent," he said upon entering. He also went to the dresser and put the boxes 
of their left over dinner down. He turned to find her still standing just 
inside the door, and smiled warmly at her as he brought out some candles and 
placed them on the dresser.

Kaera was still shaken from having shared her most painful feelings with Cam. 
Those were the thoughts and emotions that she didn't want to remember, let 
alone share with anyone. She watched, a little numbly, as he lit candles. The 
flames flickered at her, and somehow she managed to relax a little. Her coppery 
wrap slipped from her shoulders, down her arms, and she gathered it into a 
handful and set it down on the nearby chair.  Looking around the place, she 
could 
see that it was a large single room, with areas defined for lounging, eating, 
and sleeping.  A partly open door led to the bathroom, and she supposed the 
closed doors were closets.

He smiled at her again. "Come in, Kaera. Make yourself comfortable." 

She smiled a little weakly. 

"Sit down, anywhere you like." He took the box of her dinner. "Are you still 
hungry?"

She was, but her stomach was too fluttery to contemplate eating. Shaking her 
head, she made sure that he could sense how she was feeling. She could feel 
his focus on her, and struggled not to block him away. "I'm sure I'll be hungry 
later," she said apologetically.

He could feel her nerves and the flock of butterflies they had caused in her 
stomach. "Perhaps a beverage, then? Something that would help you to calm 
yourself?" He watched her. He was delaying on purpose, trying to see if she 
would 
block him out again.

"Yes. Thank you." What was it about Cam that fascinated her so? Was it simply 
that he could read her even more easily than she read him? Or was there more 
to it than that? It was hard work not to let her mind reflexively close down, 
but she held herself open to him, wanting to experience what he had promised.

He went to the wall terminal. "Computer, a bottle of Chateau Pic... No... Dom 
Perignon 2231. And a bowl of Terran strawberries." He turned and smiled at 
her. "No reason we shouldn't enjoy something very special, in addition to the 
special activity we have planned." He was confused that she didn't seem to be 
responding to the feelings he was projecting for her, so he slowed down even 
more.

Kaera was aware that there was a communication difficulty between them. But 
she didn't know how to fix it. She still hadn't sat down, so she walked over to 
Cam and hesitantly took his hand. "I thought being able to know how the other 
person felt would keep away any problems with expressing it," she said 
awkwardly.

He smiled at her, projecting his desire for her. His attraction for her, and 
how he was beginning to feel about her. She was a mystery still. He believed 
that made her even more desirable. "It should make expressing how we feel 
easier. But there is always risk. Of moving too fast or misinterpreting what 
someone else is feeling."

She smiled back, basking in his desire, but then admitted shyly, "I have 
never felt such a want for anyone as you feel for me. I would like to feel it, 
but 
I don't know how. I think... it may be that I was so," she hesitated, biting 
her lip, "used, as an object of desire, that I never learned to feel it 
myself." It was the hardest confession she had ever made.

He watched her for a bit. "You are afraid to desire someone for yourself? To 
risk being hurt? Or do you simply not know how to recognize your own desire?"

Her hand tightened on his. "I think I don't know how," she murmured softly.

He felt her hand on his. "Can you feel how much I want you? Can you feel how 
much pleasure I want to give you?" He leaned in and kissed her gently, softly 
on her lips.  As he kissed her he opened his mind showing her images of great 
pleasure.

Of course she could feel it. And for a moment, she felt a flicker of 
something in herself, responding to his desire. But only for a moment. Stifling 
her 
disappointment in herself, she put her arms up to encircle his neck, then 
tangled her fingers gently into his long pale hair. She wanted to want him! It 
was 
terribly frustrating to feel all that and not be able to respond fully.

He felt her arms go around his neck and smiled inwardly feeling her desire 
for a moment and then it was gone. He frowned a bit after the kiss was broken. 
"Why did you stop? You were doing well."

Biting her lip again, she started to look away, but then forced herself to 
face Cam and remain open to him. "I didn't want to stop," she told him. "Help 
me... please help me, Cam." She didn't know the words for what she wanted. She 
wanted to feel her own emotions, to experience pleasure, to share herself with 
him without fear. But she didn't know how to say so.

He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her a bit. "Then don't stop when 
you start to feel something. Tell me what you want."

"I want to feel good," she whispered. "I want to feel what other people feel, 
what I know they feel because I can feel it in them... but I never felt it in 
myself." How did he make her say these things? What power did he have that 
forced her to speak the truth?

"Then tell me what you like. Show me if you have to." He had a thought. "Hold 
on..." He went to his book shelf in the corner. He browsed the selections for 
a moment before finding what he wanted. He pulled off the shelf a copy of the 
Kama Sutra. He smiled at a memory when he opened it to the inscription. He 
turned to her still smiling. "I got this as a gift from another friend, many 
years ago.
I told her that I never felt I needed a manual, but she said, 'Don't think of 
it as a manual but as an ice breaker.'" He smiled at the double meaning the 
words held. Hoping she would find them equally humorous.

Kaera looked at the book. It was a real book, not electronic, though it was a 
modern edition and printed on archival laminate, not paper. Hesitantly, she 
took it from him and opened it at random. And was startled. "I think... this is 
maybe not meant for real people?" she said. It was half comment, half 
question. "But... what I like? I'm not entirely sure," she responded in 
complete 
honesty. "I like it when you touch me," she attempted, hoping he could feel 
enough 
from her to somehow bring out that feeling that had been so fleeting.

He took the book back. "He ran his hand down her arm again. Touch you how?" 
He stroked her skin lightly. "Like this?" He waited for her to respond again.

She nodded, but at the same time took his hand and guided it to the side of 
her face, then to her neck ridges. The intense pleasure of his touch on that 
sensitive area took her breath away, and she had to fight with herself not to 
shut it away, but to share it with Cam.

He nodded, beginning to understand now. "Open up more, Kaera. You are still 
keeping me out. Let me feel it with you." He kept touching her where she had 
indicated. And was having to fight his own desires as well. But this was too 
important to just go rushing forward. "What else feels good?"

She wasn't sure. But she was willing to find out. Battling against the 
negative thoughts, she touched her lips to his again, and tasted him as she had 
never tasted anyone. His mouth was warm and sweet, and she was surprised when 
he 
captured her tongue and suckled softly on it. Surprised, but at the same time 
aroused in a way she hadn't known she could be, especially by such a seemingly 
simple action.

He felt her shudder a bit and he wrapped his arms around her and held her to 
him tight. As he broke the kiss, his breathing was a little ragged, but so was 
hers. "I like that, too," he said.

-to be continued-

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