<USS Avalon> "Thumb War"

Thumb War
By Senior Lieutenants Caine Reilly McKinsley
and Elissabeth Marksbury


"Maybe next time you'll look out for Starfleet interest and personnel and we'll 
have one less spot in the morgue occupied."

Elissabeth stared at the door where Sierra had parted. She didn?t know how much 
time had passed, but she couldn?t get his words out of her head.

"Maybe next time you'll look out for Starfleet interest and personnel..."

It cut her that he thought so little of her and what she did - what she had 
done to this point. Sierra didn?t know her, had never taken the time to get to 
know her. There had always been a slight hostility towards her... she assumed 
it came from his knowledge of who she was and where she came from. 

"...we'll have one less spot in the morgue occupied."

"The truth hurts." 



"...truth hurts."

"...truth..."

It wasn?t true. Was it? Was it really her fault? Not just her responsibility as 
the commanding officer... of course it was her responsibility, but was it her 
fault? Personally. Could there have been anything she could?ve done to prevent 
it?

Elissabeth sighed and let out a shaky breath, then realized that someone else 
was standing in the doorway. 

As soon as the eyes of the young woman in front of her focused, Caine moved 
into the room and over next to Elissabeth's bedside. The woman looked shaken 
and a bit distraught almost. "Hello Elissabeth," Caine said, in a low soothing 
voice. "Can I get you something to drink? You look a little pale."

"Sure," she whispered, looking over Caine?s shoulder. Why now? Why couldn?t 
people just leave her alone? Why did they have to be here, a steady stream of 
worriers wanting to ?fix? her, make sure she was okay? Why couldn?t they just 
let her be?

Moving over to the replicator, Caine was glad that sickbay had a few private 
rooms and that Liss was in one of them. "What would you like?" she asked, 
suddenly realizing she had no idea what Elissabeth enjoyed to drink, but at the 
same time, happy for the small distraction. All the way over, from her office, 
Caine had wondered what was going on with Elissabeth and why Javan would send 
her such a confusing message. But Caine knew, from the small time she had spent 
with Elissabeth, that the woman wouldn't open up easily and Caine still had no 
idea how to broach the topic of her visit. 

She offered a weak smile. "I don?t really care. I was just being polite and 
giving you something to do," Elissabeth said softly. "I put you on edge. I can 
tell."

Caine had to laugh at that, "I'm afraid to admit that it's true. I just don't 
know how to go about talking to you." Caine smiled, hoping that her admission 
would help both women out some. "But thanks for being thoughtful," she said, 
still chuckling to herself as she grabbed a glass of water for both of them and 
brought it back over to Liss. "And to be even more honest, I'm not a hundred 
percent sure what I'm doing here, wanna fill me in some?"

"I?m assuming Sierra sent you here. Unless it?s just a coincidence and you?re 
here to ?heal? me of my troubles like every other visitor I?ve had today."

"Heal you? Goodness no, but you are right, Sierra did send me," Caine said, 
choosing to use a formal name with Javan in hopes of separating her 
relationship with him from this situation. "I really have no idea what?s going 
on, he just sent me a message telling me to come visit, so here I am. Heck, for 
all I know, you could want to play me thumb wrestling." She hoped that her few 
pathetic jokes and honesty would make things more comfortable. She wasn't there 
to pump information out of Elissabeth, but she did want the young woman to know 
that she was there to listen if she was needed. 

"I?d beat you," she offered with a small smile. Now this sort of talking she 
could handle. Maybe the counselor wasn?t quite as... flighty as she?d first 
thought.

"That's what you think," Caine said with a laugh. "I might not be as strong as 
you physically, but I could take you in a thumb wrestling match." Bluffing, a 
lot of times, was the best way to get you in good with people, especially this 
kind of bluffing. Caine hadn't actually thumb wrestled anyone since she joined 
the Avalon, but she didn't care. Elissabeth was talking to her and seeming to 
relax and that was really all Caine wanted.

"Now, now, Counselor, you can?t boast what?s not true." Elissabeth?s smile 
widened just a bit. This was the sort of visitor she needed, someone to just 
talk, just be. She didn?t need someone standing over her asking a million 
questions. "Am I going to have to prove it to you?" 

With confidence and a smile on her face, Caine stuck her hand out. "Bring it 
on," she said, in a competitive, but obviously a friendly and jovial voice.

"Now thems fightin' words," Lissi replied, mimicking something she heard Elijah 
say once. She held out her hand as well, grateful for the thumb-wrestling 
lesson she'd received from James one day playing around, otherwise she wouldn't 
have even known the game.

Grasping fingertips, the two women counted down and the fight was on. 

Elissabeth was a strong fighter and made Caine actually work at it, but it was 
a lot of fun. Caine found herself laughing out loud as both women struggled to 
capture their opponents thumb. Finally, after a good fight, Caine some how 
found her thumb holding Lissi's down. Victory was hers, though, Caine wondered 
if this victory a segway into a victory of gaining a new friend in Elissabeth 
Marksbury.

"You've got a good grip there," Caine complimented Liss as she pulled her hand 
away. There was still a smile on her face, but it wasn't because of the win. 
No, it was due to the fun she was having.

Elissabeth rolled her eyes and shook her head in mock disbelief. "Beaten by a 
counselor. I think now I?m going to have to seriously question my abilities."

"Is that you what you have been doing? Questioning yourself, your abilities?" 
Caine asked, taking a sip from her water. She truly hoped that Liss wouldn't 
just clam up on her, not now, she didn't want Elissabeth to think the only 
reason Caine did any of that was so that she would answer her questions. 

"I did at first. I felt responsible for John?s death, yes. Like there were 
decisions I should?ve made better, ones that wouldn?t have placed him on that 
ship to begin with." She stopped for a moment and closed her eyes, taking a 
deep breath. "But I came to terms with that when Ketchum refused to let me 
resign my post." 

Caine could understand why the young woman would have questioned herself in 
such a situation. It would be impossible to not question oneself after 
something like that, but Caine wasn't focused on that right then, instead she 
focused in on what wasn't being said. "Elissabeth, you said you were, then you 
stopped after the Captain refused to let you resign. What made you begin to do 
it again?"

"Commander Sierra," she admitted quietly, pausing to re-live his words once 
again. "For some reason he decided that it was his duty as a ?balanced? 
Starfleet officer to come here and tell me to get over things...." She stopped, 
remembering that Caine and Sierra were ?more than friends? as she had said last 
time they met. There was no point in telling her any more. No matter how unfair 
Sierra had been to her, Caine was still going to be a bit biased.

Nodding her head, Caine had the feeling that Javan was behind it all. "So 
basically, Sierra was being a prick, came in here, blamed you for everything, 
told you to get over it and left?" she asked, doing something she knew she 
shouldn't, which was assume anything about the situation, but she knew Javan 
and she knew how he could be sometimes.

Lissi blinked at looked at her, incredibly surprised. "Pretty much. Different 
order, though. He came here assuming I was distraught and unable to cope, told 
me to get over it, when I didn?t bow before his massive ego, he told me that if 
I would look out for Starfleet interest and personnel like him, there would be 
one less body in the morgue." Her voice wasn?t bitter or strained... just tired 
and resigned.

"You can't let what he said get you down." Caine looked at the woman in front 
of her and felt the desire to yell at Javan for causing Liss to begin doubting 
herself again. "Wanna know what I think?" she asked, letting Elissabeth have 
control of what was said.

"Sure, why not? I've heard what everyone else thinks."

Caine smiled slightly at that, realizing that the last thing Elissabeth would 
probably want to hear is her advice but she decided to try and encourage the 
woman anyways. "Captian Ketchum obviously doesn't blame anything on you and no 
offense to Commander Sierra, since he is your commanding officer, but I 
wouldn't think twice about what he said if I were you. All I would focus on 
would be what Captain Ketchum said, he is the captain after all, so I think he 
is a bit more qualified in this situation than Commander Sierra, on how to deal 
with the loss of a crew member and those that were close or in command of that 
crew member."

"I know." Her voice was quiet. "Would you like to hear what I think? I mean, no 
one has really wanted to know what I thought. They?ve just assumed I?ve felt 
one way or another."

"Yes, actually I do wanna hear what you think," Caine said, complete sincerity 
in her voice and a bit of shame there too. She was realizing how rude it was of 
her to just assume that Liss would want to listen to her and now felt bad for 
not having taken her feelings into better account. 

"I?ve seen death. I?ve been responsible for it. It is a fact of life." She 
stopped, gathering her thoughts once again. " I was slightly tied to John 
emotionally, as he was something of a pet of mine, but he served the ?Fleet 
well and he died a hero?s death. I found the closure that I needed in saying 
good-bye to him." Elissabeth searched Caine?s face for understanding. "I 
believe that I had a good grip on how I felt, letting it balance out, so that I 
can move on and be here for any of the other team members... Until Sierra 
showed up."

Caine nodded, trying to encourage Elissabeth to continue and at the same time, 
keeping her emotions hidden. 

"I don?t know how to say this without sounding petulant, but I?ve had two 
visitors today come in her just assuming that I?m so upset I don?t know what to 
do with myself. Why is it that people think so little of me? What is it I?ve 
done that creates doubt in their minds about my abilities? Sierra has never 
liked me. I came to earn a grudging respect from him, or so I thought because 
we hadn?t spit at each other since he came back from that mission, but then he 
came in here today like that... It was wrong." Gazing intensely into the 
Counselor?s eyes, she added, "And that is what I?m mostly upset about, I just 
realised. The fact that Sierra?s opinion means so damned much to me and that 
his words can truly make me question myself."

Caine met Elissabeth's eyes straight on and had kept eye contact with her the 
entire time. "This does seem to really bother you and I'm not even going to try 
to lie and say that I understand how you?re feeling. But do you think it's 
possible that maybe you have grown to have a respect for him as well and it 
hurts to think that he might not be able to return that respect anymore when 
you thought he did?"

"I didn?t say he hurt my feelings, Counselor, I said it was wrong of him."

Cursing herself silently for misunderstanding Elissabeth, Caine tried to work 
her misinterpretation and move on. "Are you thinking of confronting him and 
talking to him about it?"

"It wouldn?t do any good. I consider myself easy to get along with, but 
something about Sierra and I just doesn?t mix. I have never lost my temper in 
the presence of someone so very much. I don?t easily lose my temper, but he 
brings it out of me every single time and we end up in some staring contest 
which has recently escalated to name calling, of all things. I?m rather ashamed 
of my behavior, actually, and as wrong as I know Sierra was, I still sit here 
thinking about the possibility that he?s right."

"Do you mean that he's right about it being your fault that John died?" she 
asked, making sure that she was understanding.

"Yes," she said, quietly. "But, Caine, please don?t give me the pat answer of 
?it?s not your fault? and let it go, because that is not what I need." 
Elissabeth had tears in her eyes.

Caine shook her head. "I'm not going to tell you that it's not your fault, but 
at the same time, I'm not going to blame it on you, either. And I'm not going 
to tell you to just let it go because it doesn't matter what I say, does it? 
What it all comes down to is how you feel and what you think of the situation." 
Caine looked at Elissabeth with compassion in her eyes. 

"Right now, you?re feeling the weight of guilt on your conscious and that guilt 
isn?t just going to disappear. I can't tell you one thing or another, all I can 
do is try and help you understand what you?re feeling and to help you deal with 
your emotions. And if you'll let me, be a friend to you, someone to just sit 
and listen to you and help you in any way I can."

"I think I?m mostly angry because I?m doubting myself. It?s not something I?m 
used to doing, but if Sierra?s petty accusations can get to me this badly maybe 
I wasn?t over it as well as I thought. I don?t know. And that?s the problem. I 
just don?t know."

"It's okay to not know. And to a point, it's okay to second guess yourself. But 
what would be best for you is to maybe take a little time off, just get away 
from security for a while, clear your head. Take the time to just spend some 
time with you. I really think it could help you out some." Caine hoped that 
Liss would listen to her, she knew it would probably be best for her.

"Somehow I knew you wouldn?t understand either," she said dryly and with a 
measure of sadness. 

Caine felt her frustration build up some. "I'm trying to understand Elissabeth, 
I really am."

"The point is, I can?t afford to second-guess myself. This is a job of being 
sure the first time and sticking with that no matter what. The point is, if I 
can second-guess myself, then I need a new job. I cannot have doubt in myself 
and I never thought I did until Sierra tells me I should which angered me to 
the point of actually doing it." Her eyes flashed in anger just thinking of it. 
"I?m sorry. This is why I don?t talk to people. I don?t stop."

Caine sighed, she was having a hard time actually knowing what to say. "But if 
you don't talk to someone, you?re going to keep it all inside and it will 
fester and cause problems. I might not actually know how to help you out but 
I'll at least listen to you, let you vent or just think out loud." Caine made a 
snorting sound. "I hate to admit this, but to be honest, I second guess myself 
all the time, in fact, right now I'm second guessing myself, trying to figure 
out the best course of action and how I could possibly be here for you to 
assist you in any way you need me."

"At least you didn't assume you knew how I felt. Thanks." She took a long, deep 
breath. "Who would?ve thought thumb wrestling could get me talking. You?re an 
odd duck, Caine, but I like you." 

A light laugh escaped Caine's mouth, "I certainly never thought it would, but 
you looked like you could use some fun, not another person trying to run your 
life." Caine was actually deeply touched by what Liss said, it felt good to 
know, that even after their misunderstandings, there was a possibility for 
friendship.




                
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