<USS Avalon> "The Space Between"

Warning: While this log does not include graphic contents, a rather disturbing 
scenario is hinted at.  Read at your own discretion.

 

The Space Between*
By Senior Lieutenant Elissabeth Marksbury




"Who are you?"

The voice startled me and I countered with, "Who are you?"

"Always playing the game, aren't you? Did it ever occur to you to become human?"

"I am human."

"No, you act human. Or, rather, decently replicate humanity. But no real human 
is so cold, so untouchable."

"And again, I ask, who are you?"

The verbal ballet wasn't going to end, and I realized I could be on the 
merry-go-round with myself for quite some time. Instead, I lazily drifted into 
that hazy and dim place between waking and sleeping, where we can walk for 
hours or merely seconds. 

I didn't feel any pain. I found that odd and unsettling. It seemed like 
something should hurt. My chest ached, but I think that was more from how 
confused I was than any physical manifestation of pain.

The wonderful thing about the Space Between, conscious unconsciousness, is that 
you can tell yourself to start walking through the mist into something that 
resembles reality. Or a dream. Or both. It didn't really matter. I just needed 
something to occupy my time.

I found myself making love to James... that was nice. Re-living one of the more 
tender moments for just a bit. But then...

Wait, no, that isn't right.

I saw my father sitting next to me smoking a cigarette. Smoking? He never 
touched them. And I don't ever remember anyone smoking in the five-hundred-year 
from now future, either. We were in bed together and he said, "That was good, 
really good."

Mental shudder. The thought disgusted me and I shoved it violently away instead 
of examining it like some sort of specimen in an experiment gone badly wrong. I 
guess I can't be as objective as I thought. 

That is the downfall of your conscious unconsciousness, the Space Between. 
Sometimes you end up in places you never wanted to go, oddly manifesting things 
that never happened and never occurred to you could or would happen. 

My mind wandered further and I felt myself plunging into icy water, trying 
desperately to swim...

No, that isn't somewhere I wish to visit either.

I sighed. 

The space between what's wrong and right is where you'll find me hiding, 
waiting for you.

I can't remember where I heard that. It has a melody, though. Reminds me of 
Tel. Which reminds me of ... 

"Yes, I am still here. They thought they could hide me away. Re-write the past, 
create new names and faces, but I'm still here. I am still the orphan turned 
assassin. I am still that soldier who doesn't cry. Even when they tried to tame 
me, make me their friend. I am still here."

"But so am I. I may not have been your original life, but I have a life too. It 
may be made up names with made up faces and familiar places, but it is a life. 
I am a person with friends to love and be loved by, and you just won't let me. 
I can't make you go away."

"Pity that, Elissabeth," I heard myself say to... well, myself. This was 
confusing.

The space between the wicked lies we tell, and hope to keep safe from the pain.

There was that song again.

I stopped in the Space Between, staring at broken memories scattered as leaves 
on a pond. I must reach an agreement with myself. I cannot live like this. One 
of us must go away. 

"This is my life now, Lyryn. These people are my friends. This is my job."

"And I have hidden myself away long enough. I have Tel."

"Tel is a threat; a threat to you, a threat to me, and a threat to this ship. 
If you weren't so busy falling in love, you would see that."

"Love?  You call it falling in love?  You felt it as well as I did.  The bond 
with Tel transends the pettiness of falling in love, Elissabeth. He is not a 
threat to me or to us.  And he's no longer a threat to the ship."

"You are sick."

"Not any more sick than when you were fucking James, leaving me tarnished and 
broken."

"If you were that concerned, you should've stopped me."

"I tried, if you remember."

"I suppose you did."

Look at us spinning out in the madness of a roller coaster. You know you went 
off like a devil in a church, in the middle of a crowded room.

That damned song again. 

No closer to an agreement. The Space Between just opened a little wider.

"Who are you?" we both asked each other. And answered.

I am the lion, seeking whom I may devour.

I am the lamb, willing to lay down my life so that others might live.

And I am the twisted god who traps them in the Space Between, just to watch 
them play.

 

*Title and lyrics by Dave Matthews Band.






                
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