<USS Avalon> "Taking that First Step"

"Taking that First Step"
Josh Garrity and Selak 
 
Selak had finished his nightly mediation and quickly prepared a few things  
to take with him. He was unsure of why Lieutenant Redgrave had thought of him 
to  help the young human, but he would try to do what was within his means. He 
left  his quarters and quickly made his way to the cabin he'd been asked to go 
to.  Ringing the chime the Vulcan waited for a reply from it's inhabitants. 
 
Mac opened the door quickly, and stepped aside to admit the Vulcan. "He's  in 
there." he told him, gesturing toward the bedroom.
 
Nodding, Selak moved past the tall human male and the human female who  
stared at him from the couch. He walked right into the bedroom and looked at 
the  
thin wisp of a human on the floor. "Hello." 
 
Mac followed him, nodding to Anna and Melanie as they stepped back and  
allowed the Vulcan to approach. "I can put him up on the bed or something.. if  
you 
need me to." Mac offered when Josh failed to respond. 
 
Selak shook his head. "He is fine on the floor. All I need form all of you  
is to tell me if he is bonded and then to allow him his privacy." 
 
"He's single, if that's what you mean. Only person I know who ever got more  
than, "he paused then finally settled, for lack of a better word,  
"whitewash...from him was his brother.. who he just lost. It just sort of hit  
him I 
think, that he was really dead. Something about not being able to feel him  
anymore." He looked to Annabelle to be sure he'd gotten it right. 
 
Annabelle nodded. "He said he couldn't feel anymore." 
 
"Thank you." Selak said as he turned to Josh. "Now if you will excuse us." 
 
Mac hesitated, then stepped out again, holding the door so Melanie and Anna  
could follow, then escorted Anna to the door with the promise he'd keep her  
updated.
 
There was a deep feeling of great sadness in the room which made Selak  
realize he'd been right to bring his things. He quickly set out the candles and 
 
incense and dimmed the lights as he sat cross legged across from the boy. 
"Close 
 your eyes." 
 
Josh didn't move. Didn't respond. It was as though he hadn't heard  him.
 
This one was deep and Selak knew it would take some time to reach him.  
Reaching out with his long slender fingers, Selak touched the young man's face  
in 
just the right places for a mind meld. He then began the chant that had been  
spoken for countless generations. "My mind to your mind. Your mind to my 
mind."  Slowly Selak watched as the young man's eyes closed, soon followed by 
his 
own.  In the moment it took to take in a breath Selak found himself no longer 
in the  peace of his own thoughts but in the midst of blinding white light. 
"Joshua. I  am Selak. Can you hear me?" 
 
Dead silence, save the irrepressible white noise around them. It lingered,  
that nothingness for several long moments before at last a point of darkness  
appeared there in the distance, standing out starkly against the snowy  
whiteness. 
 
Selak moved with caution as he moved towards the dark spot. The barriers he  
felt all around him were impressive but he somehow understood that the young 
man  didn't even know they were there. They were not the shields of a well 
trained  telepath, but the protective walls of one who needed them to simply 
survive.  "Show me were you are Joshua. Show me were you are falling." 
 
The image was that of a huge chasm. Joshua teetered on the far side,  
looking, somehow, as though remaining up there on the ledge alone scared him 
far  
more than the thought of falling.
 
"Joshua." Selak said from the other side of the chasm. The young man's loss  
was greater then even his friends knew. "Joshua, you need to come back with 
me." 
 
An overwhelming grief, a pain and aloneness, swept through like a violent  
wind. The young man teetered dangerously, closing his eyes as though willing  
himself to just stop fighting. To simply let go and allow himself to fall. 
 
Selak watched as the young man teetered on the edge of oblivion. "You don't  
want to do that, Joshua. He wouldn't want you to do that." 
 
Josh drew back as though he'd been hit. The pain and anger clear on his  
face. The wind grew stronger, carrying an almost crippling pain and blind fury. 
 
How would he know what Zachary would want? And what difference did it really  
make now that he no longer existed?
 
"We are one in our minds, Joshua. The pain you feel I feel. The memories  you 
do not understand I can see." Selak said softly, his voice carried on the  
rushing wind. "I know of him only through you. He wanted you to live and to be  
happy, as you did for him. He has left the plain of physical being, Joshua, 
but  your brother lives in your heart, in your memories of the life you shared. 
He  will never truly be gone as long as you live." 
 
"I can't feel him.." Joshua cried out, the pain intensifying until it  seemed 
they would both be crushed beneath it's weight. 
 
"You cannot feel the way he was." Selak told him as he pushed further into  
the young man's mind. "The pain is still to raw, but when the pain eases you  
will feel him in a different way." Selak had to concentrate hard to find just  
the right images to pull up. Good memories it seemed were hard to find in this 
 lost boy's mind. Finally he pulled up an image of a young blonde boy smiling 
and  pointing at a young woman as he looked into his brother eyes, his smile 
bright.  The young woman was the one from the couch, perhaps a bridge Selak 
could us.  "Can you feel the memory, Joshua?" 
 
Slowly, he nodded. He was still in the Academy. Zack had come to visit.  He'd 
been working with three others, Annabelle included, on a project. The other  
two had left. Zack had been so very charmed by her. 
 
The firmness in the young man's stance did not go unnoticed. Drawing off  
what he felt passing between them, Selak went on. "He wanted to see you happy,  
Joshua, that desire has not changed even though your brother no longer exists 
on  the living plain any longer. You have that chance, Joshua, to be happy." 
 
What is there beyond the living? Josh wondered as the more prevalent  
memories took hold. Those of Zachary tearful and fearful. In need of 
protection.  
Protection he had, in the end, failed to provide. 
 
The sudden rush of guilt washed over Selak like the dessert heat of his  
homeworld. "This is not your fault, Joshua. You did everything you could to 
give  
him a better existence. You protected him, loved him, and then when the time 
was  right gave him the gift of allowing him to live his life freely." Selak 
could  feel the winds pick up again. He needed to make another connection so 
that  Joshua would follow him out of this place. "There are many thoughts on 
where the  soul goes after it leaves the body, but the theme is always the 
same.. 
In this  place there is no pain, no sorrow, and no fear. A place where they 
can watch  over their loved ones and if need be offer a little guidance." 
 
Josh knew of such beliefs, though he'd never entertained any of them as  
anything other than the wishful thoughts of those unwilling to accept as 
reality  
the finality of death. 
 
"Your correct about the finality of death, Joshua, but have you ever  thought 
about the part of you that feels?" Selak asked. He was feeling very  grateful 
for the time spent learning at the feet of his master as a young man,  other 
wise he was sure he would never be able to openly see the young man's  human 
ways of thinking. "The part that mourns for your bother? The part that  cares 
for the ones you call friends. The part so often confused by them. That is  the 
part that goes on when the body no longer can." 
 
Josh shook his head. He didn't understand. There was nothing left. He was  
gone. He couldn't feel him anymore at all. 
 
If he were human, Selak would sigh in frustration at ending up at the  
beginning again, but thankfully he wasn't human. "You have more to live for 
then  
just your brother my young friend." 
 
Josh looked at him directly for the first time. "Do I?" he asked at last,  
genuinely needing to know, because he couldn't think of a single one. 
 
Selak closed his eyes and concentrated once again. The images he sought  this 
time were easier to find because they were newer. Images he didn't think  
Josh had even registered as they were happening. When he opened his eyes he  
watched along with Josh as the young woman held him, talked to him in a caring  
way, and as she kissed him. "This female has feelings for you my young friend." 
 
The surprise that swept through them was mirrored in Josh's delicate  
features. Did she? Why? 
 
Selak actually laughed. Even Vulcans with all their logic understood love.  
"She's in love with you my young friend." 
 
Josh looked completely lost, as though the idea of anyone really ever  loving 
him had never even occurred to him. 
 
"Your brother loved you. Patrick loves you.. Elissabeth.. And others.. I  
know that what this young woman feels for you is a different kind of love, but  
it is love none the less.. Why shouldn't she love you?" Selak asked. 
 
Josh could think of enough reasons, or so he believed, not the least of  
which was the fact that he was no more than a mine rat. 
 
"She doesn't think your merely a mine rat." Selak told him. The winds had  
calmed as the young man began to think. "She thinks your someone who's worth 
her 
 love." He pulled up another memory.. A whispered conversation between 
brothers.  "He thought perhaps she was worth yours." 
 
Josh was surprised at that, having forgotten it had occurred at all. He  
remembered that Zack and Annabelle had visited quite a long time that day. How  
had he forgotten Zack's comments after? 
 
"Because you felt no one could love a mere mine rat." Selak answered the  
unspoken question. "Your the only one who stills sees you in those monsters'  
light, Joshua. Your friends, Annabelle, they could never see you that way." 
 
He looked at Selak, another question hanging in the air about them. What if  
they're wrong? What if the monsters were right after all?
 
Selak offered the young man a warm and rare smile. "Monsters are never  
right." 
 
Josh considered that carefully. Except they were. The monsters had said  they 
would find him and Zachary. And that, in the end, they had. They'd won.  
They'd taken Zachary from him. 
 
"They haven't won, Joshua." Selak told him as he locked eyes with the young  
man. "The only way they truly win is if you give them your life as well. 
Zachary  wouldn't want you to do that. He would want you to beat them once and 
for 
all,  and there is no better way to do that then to live your life as if they 
were  nothing more then the filth on the bottom of your boots." 
 
Josh held his gaze, the chasm seeming to close a bit, though his expression  
remained lost. "How?"
 
"You mourn for the loss of your beloved brother and then you heal. You  allow 
your friends to love you and love them in return. You open your eyes to  the 
amazing gift just waiting for you to take her by the hand. There is no  better 
way to show your life is worth something then by sharing it with people  who 
love you, my young friend. With that you become far richer and far more  
powerful then any who have caused you harm." 
 
Josh considered it. He still seemed so lost, the concepts he spoke of felt  
so foreign. Even so, the chasm closed further, to where one or the other could, 
 with one long stride, step across if they chose to.
 
Selak noted the closing chasm and nodded. "The choice is yours Joshua." He  
held out his hand to the young man. "Come across and allow me to take you back. 
 Come back and honor your brother and the others you've lost by living a good 
and  full life." 
 
Josh hesitated, considering the choice, then stepped out, reaching toward  
the Vulcan, when the grief swept through yet again like a strong wind throwing  
him into the chasm. 
 
Reaching out Selak grabbed Josh by the hand and then clasped his other hand  
around the boy's arm, pulling him up and way from the depth of his pain. "It's 
 smaller but it will heal and become a crack in time." Selak told him as they 
 both looked at the chasm from a safe distance. 
 
Somehow Josh wasn't so sure. He thought, for the briefest moment, that left  
alone it might still widen, swallowing him whole. Abruptly, a white wall stood 
 before it, blocking all that existed behind it from view. The sense of grief 
 stood behind it too. Before him then stood Josh, the engineer, with no sense 
of  concern save for that of the ship. 
 
Selak shook his head as he reached down and picked up a rock his mind  placed 
there for him. "No my young scared friend. No more walls. You must feel  the 
pain to feel the love." Pulling up the images of Annabelle kissing him and  
him not pulling away but returning the kiss, Selak reached out to offer the 
rock 
 to Josh. "Don't let them win, Joshua. Your stronger then them. Stronger then 
 even you know." 
 

Josh looked at the rock dubiously. He didn't feel particularly strong  at the 
moment. 
He glanced at Selak, seeming somehow younger than he should  be for the rank 
and responsibility he carried, then back at the rock in his  hand. What was he 
supposed to do?
 
He'd felt Josh's true youthfulness when he'd first entered but he knew true  
age in cases like this mattered very little. Josh had lived more in his 
handful  of human years then quiet a few humans twice if not three times his 
age. 
"Throw  it at the wall, Joshua." Waving his hand around to indicate all the 
white walls  around them he added. "When your ready all you need do is ask and 
I 
will come  here with you and together we can break all the walls you'd like." 
 
"What..." he swallowed, breathed, started again. "What if...I  
can't..."....he didn't finish, as so many thoughts crossed at once. What if I  
can't break 
them down...what if I can't face what's behind them... what if it's  better not 
to know. 
 
"You are so much stronger then you know, Joshua, but even the strongest of  
men sometimes fall to their knees." Selak told him firmly. "In these cases the  
ones we love and who love us, the ones who care, will be there to give to you 
 their strength. Annabelle, Patrick, Anna, Elissabeth.. They will pick you up 
and  give you their faith. Trust in them as well as yourself my friend." 
 
Josh carefully considered all that had been said. At long last, one thing  
came back to him. All of Zachary...all that was left, lie beyond that wall. To  
leave it and walk away now was to let the whiteness swallow him as it had the  
rest of their past...all there ever was before Oldtown. He'd already lost 
him.  He would not let him die unmourned and unremembered as so many in the 
mines 
had.  He'd existed. He'd been someone. Someone loved. Someone important. He 
was not  just another mine rat. Rearing back, he threw the rock with all his 
might toward  the wall, then gasped, his knees buckling under the weight of the 
emotion that  surged out from behind it. 
 
The wall shattered into millions of white shards.
 
Selak knelt beside the boy, placing a firm hand on his shoulder. "Well done  
my friend, well done." He gave Josh a few moments to process, to mourn, to  
regain his strength and then sat before him just the way he was sitting before  
him back in Josh's bedroom. "Are you ready to come back with me?" 
 
Without looking up, Josh nodded. It was time to go home.
 
Nodding Selak once again told Josh to close his eyes. This time he closed  
them on his own. A few seconds later they both reopened their eyes to find the  
blinding whiteness of Josh's walls had been replaced with the cool grays and  
blues of his bedroom. Standing, Selak offered his hand to the boy as an offer 
to  help him to his feet. 
 
Josh reach up in an uncharacteristic acceptance of the offer and allowed  
himself to be pulled to his feet, still shaking and somewhat disoriented. He  
looked at Selak then, almost surprised to find he existed outside his own mind. 
 
How much of that had been real?
 
"It was all real my friend. I perform a Vulcan mind meld with you. It was  as 
real as the two of us standing here now." Selak told him. "There is much you  
have to discover about yourself my young friend. I offer myself as a guide 
for  when the time comes that you are ready to be all you were meant to be." He 
waved  his hand around the room so Josh could see the mediation items he'd 
brought. "A  gift for allowing me into your personal depths." 
 
Josh looked at the items. "He's really gone." He said, raising neither his  
gaze nor his voice. 
 
Again Selak placed a firm hand on Josh's shoulder. "From the space in which  
we live, yes he is really gone, but he lives forever in your heart, in your  
memories, and in the stories of him in which you will share with your young.â 
 
Josh considered that a moment, then nodded. Slowly, he raised his tearful  
gaze back to Selak. "Okay.." he agreed. Blowing out a shaky breath, he nodded  
again. Zachary would not be forgotten.

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