<USS Avalon> "Reflections"

Reflections
By Lyryn Cate


I've heard of people looking in the mirror and wishing they were somebody else. 
I look in the mirror and I am somebody else. It's not worth wishing for. 

Elissabeth sleeps and I am allowed to roam her thoughts, my thoughts, freely. 
I?ve been trying for the last several hours to put it all together and I?m no 
closer to a solution now than when I began.

I feel like poor little Eponine, wandering the streets at night while everyone 
sleeps, creating the perfect fantasy world where her love may walk beside her. 
A place where he stays with her until morning, where in the darkness she could 
feel his arms around her and all she saw was the two of them together forever. 

That's what I did, wasn't it? Playing with fantasy in the cover of the 
darkness, I dared to dream that Tel and I could be together. And it was all 
such an incredible lie. 

Oh, the man was real enough. And the feelings were real enough. However, the 
delusions that we could walk in anything besides darkness... that was the lie. 

This, so far, is the only conclusion I?ve reached. I?m lying here in the 
darkness, eyes unopened and unfocused, hoping the solution will sputter forth, 
strike me with instant clarity...

Do I regret it? 

I'm not sure. I haven't been sure of anything since the day I ceased to be 
Lyryn Cate, the day I defied orders, grew a conscience. I haven't been the same 
since I helped the Avalon to escape. And I hate myself for it. 

But I also see the eyes of so many that are good people, who matter. They are a 
good crew and were worth saving, even at the expense of the only life I knew. 

So, do I regret it? 

Not one single moment. 

And every single moment. 

Such is the way of life, however, and it goes on, even when one soul is caught 
in the tide to be carried out to sea. 

I have been weighed and measured and found wanting, but all balances out in the 
end, I suppose. I gave up the life I knew for the crew of the Avalon and they 
have given my counterpart a life in return. 

It must be time to leave. My reasons for remaining are gone. I wonder how 
Elissabeth will fair without my influence, if she will continue to be this... 
emotional or if she?ll learn to balance herself somehow. I can only hope. This 
is, after all, what she asked me for.

And so brick by brick, I?ll lie here re-building the wall. It?s the least I can 
do for her.

I had always wondered what it would be like to find that one thing you wanted 
to hold onto and never let go. I always wondered at love, at the concept. And 
it is true and pure. It is something nearly tangible. It was a moment worth 
living for.

With that quest complete, I shall cease to be. Good-bye, Elissabeth.


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