<USS Avalon> My Conviction by Ens. Alder Shimbrodus

My Conviction

by Ens. Alder Shimbrodus



If everyone shared the same truth, everyone would then be the same in their 
beliefs, right? After all, if everyone followed one way or the other, it will 
be that path that they set themselves to believe and live their lives as they 
see it. Or is it a microcosm within a macrocosm to assume such a thing?

Take for instance schools. Schools produce effective students that can work 
within society and culminate in what is a productive citizen- no matter the 
position. Well, if the student is the microcosm, then the school is the macro- 
which in turn is also the microcosm considering it too is set upon standards of 
the government. The government tells us their version of the truth in order for 
us to believe in them, and thus live in a reasonably humble life. 

But that is the world, or worlds, upon which has no real importance to what I?m 
thinking right now.

Not to mention a debate on conformity I can?t handle and would split anyone?s 
head open should they try.

Truth, it could be the scariest thing around. Yet at the same time, could be 
the most relieving to a person?s nerves. I don?t know, I guess I?m a little 
edgy since I seem to want to tell Anthony. I?m critical about it, only because 
if I?m to be anyone?s friend, they?d ought to know the truth. 

Truth, I?m beginning to think it?s a pain in the ass. 

So what could be the truth in which I?m hesitating on? Oh, it?s nothing really. 
At least to me it isn?t. My family has accepted it with very little concern 
since they have pretty much a lot of confidence in me- in all of us. I don?t 
know, I was expecting some outrage or some rejection toward it, but instead 
they just went a long with it. "Live life, go where it takes you." Words of 
paternal wisdom to live by I suppose. It?s not easy as you think. When you?re 
the only one that presumably is gay in a crowd full of people that are 
straight, homophobic, or both; it becomes hard to get acquainted with anyone. 
It?s even harder since I?m accustom to making as many friends as 
possible....not as many friends, but a many would be nice.

And you know, the hardest thing is the reaction that you hold yourself in 
anticipation. Nothing like it to get your mind racing in fear. But I tell, 
honesty at it?s best wouldn?t you say? Why? It?s only fair, right? There?s 
nothing so damaging when you reveal yourself like being gay when your trust has 
been confided into someone else for years and that person in all that time was 
oblivious to it. It becomes too much for them, and they run. Believe me, I 
know. I lost probably the greatest-best friend I ever had because of waiting 
too long to work myself up to tell. It became a mistake I made sure not to do 
again. 

In a way you could say it?s an ultimatum also. It becomes such that if they 
don?t accept it, it?s not my problem to deal with and on I go. If they do, well 
good- we just work from there. It is selfish, but place yourself in my shoes 
and you?d see why I?ve become selfish in such an important matter between 
friends.

Everyone of my friends know. And each of them have accepted it, not saying I?m 
the only one, but it?s good and very "un-stressful." It?s also hard to find the 
right people to befriend, but I try. You might as well, being anti-social is 
something that I never found stimulating. So I venture out, taking my chances. 
The two that know that are aboard this ship are Sarah and Greg, none of my 
other friends are in Starfleet, and since they are from Deneva as well, it?s 
good to have someone familiar with the place. What even more surprised me was 
that Sarah went to the same high school I was in, and Greg- while didn?t attend 
the same school- lived three blocks away from my place. I?m ever so lucky to 
have people that close. 

Which brings me to Anthony.

I knew just from looking at him that he was more of the silent quiet corner 
kinda person. And calling his name almost three times furthered by thinking in 
that. Either he chose to ignore me on purpose, or maybe he was looking into the 
stars a little harder then usual. If it was the stars, I certainly understand; 
they hold a wonderment in them. But it seem to pay off. I also didn?t expect 
him to go to the holodeck with us- he just doesn?t seem like that kind of 
active person. It baffled the hell out of me how this one person is so inactive 
and yet look remarkably physically fit. How does one do that? If I ever found 
out, trust me, I won?t be doing any weights anytime soon. 

Anyway, I should tell Anthony pretty much soon. It would be bad if somehow he 
starts trusting me and I tell him when that trust is already placed in my 
hands. Sometimes I feel that I?m going about it the wrong way. There are always 
alternatives instead of being outright with it that quickly, but those 
alternatives are not something I?m willing to take. If you said I was being 
yellow about it, you bet. I rather keep my friends.

There?s also another thing. It?s something I?m on an "iffy" thing on. I think I 
like Anthony. You know, like. Yeah, that?s the one. I don?t know. One would 
think that I?d be staying away from a person like that when it comes to a 
personal basis thing. Yet this one person has this mystery behind him. Can?t 
really say. I tried prying out what I wanted to know from him, but he didn?t 
budge much at all. Not only that, since most of the time we were in a group 
thing, the conversations we had never touched upon him.

Like I said, I?m on that "iffy" thing. I don?t know. Maybe it?s that mystery 
thing I said before. But something in him that I like. Or maybe it?s too early 
to tell. Either way, I?ll still be his friend. Why not, everyone needs a 
friend, being alone is...something that shouldn?t happen. 

One thing at a time. 



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