<USS Avalon> "Matters of Trust"

Matters of Trust
by Lts Patrick McEntire and Sussanna Jameson

The doctor for the next shift wandered in half an hour late. Anna glared at
him before shoving her notes under his nose. "All yours, if you need me,
buzz me."

Striding out, she ignored the look of shock on the poor man's face. She'd
been distracted all shift. But not just by Mac. Josh was worrying her, he'd
end up seriously ill if he wasn't careful. "Kill two birds with one stone,"
she muttered as she stood in front of Josh and Mac's quarters. Ringing the
chime, she waited to hear if she could come in or not.

"Come," Mac called, stifling a yawn and rubbing his eyes, having just awoken
only ten minutes before. He wandered toward the replicator in his PJ's, not
overly concerned with who it might be entering at that point. What did he
care if they saw him in his pajamas? Beats naked, right?

On second thought, he smiled, some people rather like the naked view.
Anyway...

He grabbed his milk and headed for the couch, flopping unceremoniously upon
it as he looked up to see who'd entered. "Hey," he smiled, his eyes lighting
up as he saw Anna just inside the door. "Miss me already?" With a light
laugh, he sat up, moving his legs off the sofa so she could join him there.

She remained standing. "I need to talk to you about Josh. I want to know if
he's been taking his medication." Foolishly, she couldn't meet his eyes.

Noticing her abrupt unwillingness to make eye contact, Mac frowned, but let
it go for now as he rose and went to the drawer where the Anacrese and
nutritional suppliments were kept. "Dammit," he whispered as he noticed the
seemingly limitless quantities remaining. "Nope." He looked at her and
sighed. "He's been preoccupied with the sensor and weapons retrofit...and
with his shuttle...I'll try to stay more on top of it until he's on track
again."

"I can trust you with that." It was a statement rather than a question. She
knew how well Mac would take care of his friend. "Thank you. I don't want to
have to admit him to Sick Bay. For a start, it wouldn't do him any good
whatsoever."

"You won't have to...don't worry. If nothing else I'll get more of his
coffee into him. That'll help some." Mac grinned, still amazed his friend
hadn't caught onto that one.

"His coffee?" Finally meeting his eyes, her curiosity peeked, she chuckled.
"No, don't tell me, I'm not sure I want to know," she smirked.

Mac shook his head, realizing she probably really did need to know. "You
gotta remember, we've served together for a while now. He used to drop
weight so fast he scared us all, thinking he was just wasting away. Doc
Sarbo on the Santa Ana figured out the problem was he wasn't remembering to
eat as much as he should, or to take the shit to slow him down, so even if
he did eat, it wasn't gonna be enough no matter how much it was. So, we got
to brainstorming what to do to keep him around. Coffee was a constant. Black
as tar and twice as strong, you could use it to peel paint, but it was his
thing. He always had a cup with him. So I got together with Moni
Torrence...one of our programming wizards...and tweaked his brew a little.
Don't think anyone else could drink that shit, so it seemed safe enough.
Amped it up with nutrients, carbs, calories, the works. It's not enough to
really sustain him in the long run, maybe, but at least it's something."

Nodding, Anna looked at him with deeper respect. "As I said before, you're a
resourceful one. Thank you for telling me. I'll let you get on," she said as
she turned to leave, suddenly not wanting to be there anymore.

"Okay, so now we've got the kid out of the way," he reached out and took her
arm. "Want to tell me what's really bothering you?"

Stiffening, she turned very slowly to look at him, thin lipped. "I met four
very interesting women today. Friends of yours." Her eyes filled with all
the hurt and fear she'd been holding onto all day. "You didn't tell me that
you expected me to..." A lump in her throat refused to let the words out.

Mac waited, resisting the urge to prompt her forward, as he often did with
Josh. When at last he could resist no longer, he urged, "Expected you
to.....what?"

"To share you!" Her face flushed red with the sheer embarrassment of it.
"They want me to join in your sessions," she spat the last word at him.

At that point, Mac did probably the worst thing he could have done. He
couldn't help it.

He laughed.

"They what?" he laughed, shaking his head. "Fuck that, I ain't sharing you
with anyone. Tell them get their own."

"Not me, you! Your little groupies want me to share you." Tears that she
refused to let fall gathered in the corners of her eyes. "Fuck this, I
thought I got to keep you. Is that what you told them too?"

"No," Mac answered with a sigh, letting go of her arm and stepping back. "I
never said anything like that to them. Not once. Not to any of them." He
clenched his teeth, trying hard not to be angry or hurt by her reaction.
"You were the first for that. See, I don't waste time saying things I don't
mean to people." He shook his head and went back to the couch, flopping back
down and picking up his milk. "Maybe when you really get to know me you'll
figure that out."

"Maybe," she whispered, already regretting her abrupt and foolish outburst.
She'd thought she trusted him.  Do I? "Why didn't you tell me about them?"
Watching him not looking at her was breaking her heart. "No, don't answer
that, I already know the answer. Because who you were with before doesn't
matter anymore, right?"

He just nodded, taking a long drink of his milk, trying not to get angry at
her lack of faith in him. That was what he thought they'd agreed the night
before. Guess it only went one way, he thought with a sigh, tipping his head
back and closing his eyes.

"Guess I'm one of those now." Before she turned to leave, she tried one more
time. "I'm sorry. I... I wanted to keep you."

"I wanted you too," he answered quietly. "Still do. But not like this. Not
if you can't trust me." He opened his eyes then, looking straight into hers.
"I'm not going into something this serious all half-assed, Anna. I'm not
Josh, coming to you all innocent and virgin pure, and you know that, dammit.
But I meant what I said last night. Every word. Every fucking word." He
drained his glass and went to the reclamator with the glass, disposing of it
before turning back and looking her again in the eyes. "You're going to have
to decide where we stand. And once it's decided, you're gonna have to stick
with it, so be sure. Don't lie and say I can keep you if it's this easy to
take you from me, though, Anna. If it's this easy to break your faith in me,
we're fucked already, because there's more than just the kittens out there
you could hear from. And I'm sure you will." He shook his head, pushing away
the anger and pain, taking another deep breath before finally telling her,
"You decide where we stand. And when you know...let me know, okay?" He
headed toward his room, calling back, "Let yourself out, okay. I need a
shower."

"No, actually, it's not okay." This hurt too much, way too much to be
bullshit. Crossing the room quickly, she stood blocking his exit. "Don't
leave." She didn't touch him, not sure if it would be welcome but almost
certain that it wouldn't be. "I'm a fool. I'm scared. Just give me a chance,
okay? I want to keep you."  Always. I'm in love with you. She couldn't say
it, not completely trusting her feelings enough to believe it. Searching his
face, she saw the anger and pain she'd put there. "God, I'm so sorry."

His teeth still clenched, he drew her into his arms, holding her tightly
until his own emotions were under control. "You don't think I'm scared?" he
asked when at last he released her. "I been with...hell, too many to count.
But it wasn't ever anything but using each other...being lonely together."
He knew how bad that sounded, but it was the truth. He looked into her eyes,
hoping she'd see in his the truth of his words as he spoke from his heart.
"That's not it with you, Anna. I care about you. Very much, maybe too much,
okay? I can't stop thinking about you, and I think if I mention your name to
poor Bean one more time he's gonna throw me out. I can't help it though, and
that scares me shitless. I never felt about anyone like I do about you." He
looked away from her, drawing a breath. "But I won't play games. I can't. I
won't ask you to guess how I feel, and I won't try to guess what you do.
There has to be trust for this shit to happen. It's got to be upfront with
us, all the way upfront. I don't work any other way."

"You want the truth?" Swallowing all her fear, she started to speak. "I'm
impossible to live with. I can't clean to save my life. I don't trust easily
and when I do, if I get hurt, I can hold a grudge til Kingdom come. My anger
is quick and volcanic but once it's spent then it's gone, it doesn't linger
unless it needs to. I'm caustic and nasty and really hard to get to know
properly. But..." This time it was her turn to look away. "But I care about
you, deeply. I spent today dying because I thought I'd lost you. Josh
probably thinks I'm insane for bombarding him with so many questions. I
don't want to lose you, Mac. I'm..." in love with you.

"Lose me? As if!" Mac couldn't help it as her entire monologue sank in. He
did it again.

He laughed.

"Wait..waitwaitwait...lemme get this straight...you went to Josh...our
Josh...tall kid, quiet as hell, hides from EVERYONE...that Josh... for
relationship advice?" he asked when he finally could, though just saying it
seemed to send it over the edge again. "Okay...so...no wait...sometimes he
knows more than he lets on about things ... science .. forensics ...
medicine ... why not?" Snicker, "so tell me...what did the boy genius have
to say on that topic?"

Biting her lip as the flush darkened her cheeks again, Anna shrugged.
Suddenly realising that she'd just used the trademark Josh response, she
laughed. "Not a lot. He just kind of listened to the babble and then made
appropriate comments. Like when I asked about your, what did you call them?
Kittens? I asked if you'd be satisfied with just me." Blushing again, she
smiled sheepishly. "He just asked if you'd seemed satisfied when you left.
He's sweet, but he's clearly got even less experience than me."

Mac roared. "Oh, shit, he actually asked you that?" Catching his breath, he
nodded, still grinning, "Yeah...he's just so worldly. It's
like..okay..Annabelle kissed him. There. Total sum of experience in a
nutshell."

She let Mac's laughter roll through her. "Bless him. Because, you know, I've
had sooo many men myself." Nodding conspiratorially, she said, "Including
you, it would be a grand total of three. The other two were nobodies who
just wanted a little fun, you know? I guess that goes for all the previous
people I've been with. Like you." Raising an eyebrow, she smiled at him.
"Now, how come it's taken me this long to figure that one out?"

"Guess you're just a little slow there, love, but no worries. I'm patient."
He gave her a wink and a grin before drawing her back into his arms for a
quick hug. "And now...I really do need a shower before joining the
wunderkind in shuttle bay two because, of course like a dumbass, I agreed to
spend my off hours working my ass off like he does." Shaking his head, he
headed back toward the shower. "Hang out if you want. I'll only be a few
minutes."

Stifling a yawn, she nodded. "Unless you want some company," she smirked.

Mac paused with a grin. "Now there's an offer I can't refuse." He led her
into the room then, and closed the door behind them, sincerely hoping Josh
wasn't in any hurry for him to join him.

Other related posts: