<USS Avalon> Log-Naming Rosemary's Baby

Naming Rosemary?s Baby

-Dodge Thomas

 

A few days had passed since Dodge's initial culture shock to life on the 
Avalon. He had slowly begun to settle into a somewhat normal routine. Subtle 
variations in the ship's warp field were becoming evident, as were some small 
problems that would be relatively easy to remedy. He hummed happily to himself 
from the upper section of engineering, calibrating plasma feeds and overseeing 
the technical crews as they scurried over the lower areas like so many ants 
descending upon that benighted little kingdom of Candyland. Their seemingly 
useless and rather frivolous actions would probably go unnoticed, that is, 
unless something got broken. Dodge fixed his insignia and wondered randomly how 
many hairs it really would take to make a wig (He strongly doubted that shaving 
twenty-four off of a pig would do at all). With one last crank, he set the 
hyperspanner he was using down on the console and pulled a small black box with 
neon yellow isolinear chips inset inside of it from his pocket.

He loved holo-projectors. He somewhat loathed those two Binars, who at that 
moment were talking in their high speed gibberish. Bah to them, Dodge thought. 
He returned to the holoprojection box. He had always been talented with 
holo-programs, and he had been working on the particular program stored in the 
box for almost four years. He only had to add some new algorhythms and install 
a personality randomizer. Damn those Binars and their accursed babbling!

Without another word, Dodge packed up his stuff and left Engineering. His 
quarters were a few decks up and that was where he was bound. He had met with 
the captain, and had found both him and his first officer very agreeable 
individuals. Somehow or another, he had still managed to avoid the predatory 
stalkings of Lt. Commander Sierra, but then no news is bad news. At least, he 
was pretty sure that was how it went, but it could have gone like this: If at 
first you don't succeed, try, try again. Doubtful, but possible.

The doors to his quarters slid aside like the two half?s of the doors that they 
were. Dodge almost thought about complimenting them, but before he could, the 
particular brain cells that had initially came up with the idea were sought out 
by his anti-stupidity white blood corpuscles, and were then eliminated. 
Consequently, when the doors slid aside, Dodge entered in complete silence.

His quarters remained silent for almost ten seconds. There was still no lights. 
Out in the corridor, Karen Ross and one of her lady friends were gossiping in 
the hallway.

"And so I said to her, if your butt wasn't so big, you'd be able to--" Karen 
was cut off by a loud crash coming from Dodge's quarters, followed by a moaning 
howl.

"CURSES!"

Karen was silent for a second, listening quietly for any other sounds of pain.

(One second later:)

"And so anyway, I told her-" Her voice faded off as she turned the corner with 
her friend.

Dodge lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. There was a crack up there, 
and a water stain that vaguely resembled a rabbit. He suddenly knew just how 
Madeline felt, lying there in her hospital bed after having her appendix 
removed. He stared for a while, but was interrupted by the British-accented 
voice of a male.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Lying about on the floor are we? Get 
up! Get up now!"

Dodge sat up. "Hello?"


"Oh yes, yes, the large one has decided to get up." The voice spoke with mild 
enthusiasm.

"Lights."


"Oh, I dare say, the lights won't work. Here. Sit silently in comparative 
stupidity while I fix your lamentable problem." With a whirr and a click, the 
lights came on, and Dodge sat face to face with none other than his 
holo-creation, a creature so oddly misshapen that it could only be called...

"Well, how about fluffy."


"I say, if you call me fluffy--why--why--I'll kill you!" The bipedal cat 
pointed one of his furry fingers at Dodge. 

"Then," Dodge said, feeling quite taken aback, "what do you propose we call 
you?"

"Well how the hell should I know?" The cat said, throwing its arms up into the 
air and rolling it's enormous green eyes around in its head. All the way around.

"Oops," said Dodge immediately, "we'll have to take care of that immediately, 
huh Puss." Dodge grabbed the holo-projection box. "Now let's see here."

"Hey now! Watch it! What are you doing there?" His eyes stopped their 
continuous circulation. "Oh, yes then. I guess that's a bit better at least."

"Hopefully, that's the only problem. If anything else goes wrong, I'll stop by 
one of the shops on the station."

"An excellent idea. Can't have me going all to pieces as it were, now can we?" 
The cat stared hard. "Now then: Name me you imbecile, or I shall be forced to 
kill you."

"Okay. Your name is 'you imbecile'." Dodge laughed at his sad attempt at humor.

"Oh ha ha. That's so funny, I almost forgot to laugh." The cat paused, looking 
a bit awkward. "That is, barring those first 'Ha?s?. Shut up you!"

"If you don't stop with these death threats, I'm going to call you Hitler."

"Now that's a name with some distinguished credentials. Strikes a good deal 
fear into peoples heart, what?"

"How about Fenris?"

"Hmmm. The night wolf. Norse mythology. I'd much rather Chiron or," he paused, 
"Oh! Oh! Beelzebub! Yes, that name has such--"

"We are not giving you Satan's surname."

The cat's eyes narrowed severely. "l I've heard nothing but tripe from you. 
Where are your brilliant ideas? Hmm? Hmm!?"

"How about 'Computer, End Program?' I think that's an appropriate name for you."

"What?! No!! You bastard." The cat wavered, then vanished. There was silence 
for a moment and then a disembodied voice spoke. "I can't believe you--who the 
hell do you think you are? For the love of everything holy!" The cat reappeared.

"What's going on? You shouldn't be able to turn yourself back on! Get back in 
there right now."

"Oh I'm sorry, but I'm fresh out of that! All I have left is a QUICK AND 
UNTIMELY DEATH!" The cat shouted quickly, a ten inch kitchen knife 
materializing in his hand. 

Dodge froze. "Now, uh, kitty. You don't want to do that."

"You're quite mistaken, mortal! I want nothing more." He laughed maniacally and 
sprung, doing a flip in the air before plunging the knife handle-deep into 
Dodge's chest. "Take that, you foolish, foolish man!"

Dodge staggered back, more from the weight of impact than the holographic knife 
that was currently sticking out awkwardly from his back. "That 
was...unpleasant. Foolish I may be, but stupid? I installed a non-modifiable 
safeties control unit. Don't bother trying to mess with it. There's a 
scattering field that disables your ability to manipulate solid objects."

The cat looked completely abashed at this. "How dare you flaunt me?" He stabbed 
Dodge repeatedly with the useless weapon. Each time, it passed through him as 
if it didn't exist. "I can't believe you would do this to me!" He dropped the 
knife, which vanished completely before it even hit the floor. "This is such an 
invasion on my privacy!" He slapped Dodge viciously across the face. "Let that 
be a lesson to you."

Dodge dropped the cat and it landed with a thud. 

"Damn you!" It swore, flipping over and standing up again. "Once again your 
actions escape my belief!" He brushed himself off. "I have decided on a name. 
You will herby call me Sir Edmund, ruler of the galaxy by Gods good will'. Go 
on. GO ON! Say it now!"

Dodge sighed. Edmund was definitely better than some devilish name like 
Beelzebub. "Welcome aboard...Ed."

 

 



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