<USS Avalon> =/\= From Despair To Joy =/\=

ADVISORY:  This log focuses on character development and includes graphic 
descriptions of sexual contact between consenting adults with a rating of 
NC-17.  
(It takes place shortly before docking at DS9.)





=/\= From Despair To Joy =/\=
by Miriam Francher and El-Kainah Ngaio


Miri had enjoyed 'helping' redecorate El's quarters, and she was enjoying 
pretty much everything about living with him. It wasn't precisely the future 
she'd envisioned for herself when she was younger, but it was good. They were 
close, as close as she would be with one of her own People, if not closer. The 
only thing that sometimes made her uneasy was that they were still dealing with 
their own separate issues... separately. And she thought they maybe ought to be 
dealing with them together.

El was starting to feel more and more comfortable with the new things in his 
quarters. Their quarters, he admonished himself silently. He came out of their 
room and went to her. "You all right?" he asked. "You don't look like 
yourself."

Music swelled and swirled, a sad trill that damped down to silence as Miriam 
spoke. "Just having a funk," she said softly. She'd had a frustrating day in 
the library, hunting fruitlessly through archives. And she just wanted to be 
held, to mesh with him and let go of the frustration. But it was difficult to 
say so.

He went to her to try to comfort her. "You want to talk about it?" he asked 
as he led her to the new sofa.

She nodded, but didn't speak... yet. She waited until they were seated, and 
she was snuggled against him with his arm around her shoulder. The music, 
beyond her control as usual, lilted softly in the background. "I get these 
helpless 
feelings sometimes," she said softly. "Frustrated, and useless, and... I 
don't know, depressed, I guess."

"Why?" he asked as he gently traced the outline of her shoulder.

"I don't know. If I knew," she pointed out, "I could probably keep it from 
happening."

He smiled. "I know what you mean," he said after a few minutes. "I get 
depressed sometimes, too, for no reason. I've never been able to explain it."

"Today it was the stupid research," said Miri. "Hunting through Starfleet 
archives to see if there's ever been an incidence of so many crew becoming 
pregnant at the same time, or almost the same time. I kept running into 
security 
walls every time I'd find a hint of it. I just wanted to smash the terminal 
after 
a while. I feel so useless, sometimes."

He looked at her a moment. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked. 
"So you don't feel useless, I mean."

"I dunno," she repeated. Music, low and melancholy, drifted around the room. 
"And that," she added vehemently. "That stupid music! I can't control it, 
can't get it to stop... they said I would learn control as I got older but I'm 
older now and it's no better than when I was ten!"

"I like it, though," he said softly. "But if you want to make it stop," he 
said gently, "I mean, isn't there someone you can call to ask for help about 
it?"

His quiet tones calmed her, and she turned to gaze up into his eyes. "Help 
me?" she begged softly, her mind reaching for his.

He could feel her reaching for his mind and he opened his up to her. "How?" 
he asked.

~~I don't know how the Sorters do it,~~ Miri admitted. ~~I'm just a 
Communicator. Give me strength?~~ she suggested. ~~And love?~~ Her own love for 
him 
poured through their connection, warm and bright as a molten river of deep 
emotion.

~~You have my love, always.~~ he told her. ~~I'm not sure how to give you 
strength. But I'll try,~~ he went on. He returned the love for her through 
their 
connection deepening and expanding it and trying to understand some of the 
emotions that went back and forth between them

Meshing with him, taking strength along with his love for her and sharing it 
back to him, Miriam could feel the undercurrent of his own insecurities, 
rooted in the uncertainties of his childhood and the pain of his adolescence. 
Without realizing it, she moved to his lap, her arms going around him tightly. 
~~I 
guess I'm not the only one with hidden issues,~~ she told him wryly.

He smiled and traced her arm lightly. ~~I guess not,~~ he agreed.

The touch made her smile, gladder than glad to be with him, to share... even 
if everything they shared wasn't necessarily happy. ~~I'm glad you made me 
fall in love with you,~~ Miri admitted, with a silly half-smile.

"I didn't force you," he said aloud rather strongly. 

"Well, no, not force exactly," she stammered. "I didn't mean you compelled me 
against my will..."

"I didn't do that," he insisted. "I didn't."

"I just said that," she said, surprised.

He could feel the bile building in his throat and mouth. He couldn't help but 
make a face about the taste. "I didn't make you," he said again. And his 
stomach churned again. "I would never do that," he told her.

Miri lifted off his lap, until she hovered half a meter away. "I said you 
didn't force me," she repeated. "It was just a way of saying that we fit 
together 
well..." Her music, for once, had fallen silent.

"I would never do that," he said. "I'm not like those people," he added, 
nearly hysterical. Once the words were out of his mouth he ran from the room to 
the bathroom where his stomach emptied itself into the sink. His face shone 
with 
a mix of sweat and tears.

Miri plunked to the floor, a little harder than she meant to. Her own stomach 
was turning sour, and suddenly she was overcome with an ache in her heart 
that came out in great gulping sobs, tears streaming down her face and soaking 
her shirt. She folded over, her head nearly on her knees, and cried 
uncontrollably.

He looked into the mirror at his own reflection a moment and felt not only 
his own strong emotions, but Miri's in the other room. His face still damp, he 
coughed two more times as his stomach ensured that it was completely empty. 
~~Miri,~~ he called to her. ~~Miri, are you all right?~~ he rinsed his mouth a 
moment before going back out to the living area.

She wasn't. She couldn't stop crying, and the ache in her chest felt huge and 
hollow. She couldn't even get her thoughts together enough to respond, 
although she was peripherally aware of El talking to her. Darkness crushed in, 
and 
she couldn't find the strength to push it away.

Her fear penetrated more powerfully as he approached. "Miri," he said aloud. 
He took her face between his hands, "Miri, focus on my voice. Focus on my 
thoughts," he told her gently and softly.

His mind was a beacon in the darkness, and Miriam struggled to reach for him 
with her own thoughts, battling the fear that she had hurt him, that he would 
reject her... ~~I'm sorry,~~ she offered through her sobs.

"Shhhh," he soothed her. "It's all right," he said quietly. He pulled her to 
him and held her tightly. "You're safe, and loved." His voice was soft and 
soothing, his mind tangled with hers and firmly pulled her back from the brink 
of 
where it had been. "Just stay focused on my thoughts, feel my love for you," 
he said.

"I hurt you," she rasped, hiccuping when she tried to talk through a sob. 
But, held, her body molded to his, her mind began to relax into the gentle 
contact.

"I reacted badly," he said. "I don't like people thinking that I forced 
anything on them. I've been forced," he said hollowly. "I didn't like it. I 
wouldn't do it to someone else," he added. "But I stopped listening for a 
moment, 
and..." he paused a moment. "I hurt you as a result. And I am so sorry for 
that," 
he said sadly. His hands were caressing her as he spoke, his mind completely 
open to her.

"I..." Words weren't going to explain what she had meant by making her fall 
in love with him. She slipped into the memory of meeting him, of how their 
minds had met and meshed from the first time they spoke with each other. How 
his 
gentle nature had captivated her, and how her talent for languages had hooked 
into him and given her his native tongue... because she cared to communicate 
fully and completely with him. All this Miriam shared, in the time it took to 
breathe deeply and calm down. The darkness still hovered in the background, but 
El's love kept it at bay.

He held her tightly as he experienced the memory. "I'm sorry," he repeated. 
"I should have known."

"I didn't mean for you to take it literally," she whispered.

"You'd think with my abilities I'd be better at knowing what you meant," he 
said with a forced little laugh.

"I think we sometimes take for granted that we understand each other," Miri 
murmured. "And... sometimes we don't."

He smiled. "I guess so," he said. He scooped her up and carried her to the 
couch. He wanted to lie down and he didn't want to disrupt their cuddling and 
comforting of one another. As he arranged so he was lying down she snuggled 
close sort of beside and on top of him. He leaned up and gave her a gentle kiss 
on 
her nose. "I love you Miri, more than anything."

She sniffled, and knew her face was blotchy from crying. ~~I love you, El. 
Always.~~ Aloud she added, "I must look a mess." Her hand stroked his face. 
"And 
you've been sick..."

"Like I said, I didn't react very well to what you said," he began. "At least 
that taste is going away."

"I can make us a cup of tea," Miri offered, still cuddled against him. 
"And..." She wanted to be closer, to make love and feel their thoughts and 
emotions 
twining together. But now she was afraid of saying so, afraid of him taking it 
wrong. Afraid of appearing to want to force him. So she let her words trail 
off.

"Miri?" he asked sensing what she wanted. It was his turn for his words to 
trail off.

"I love you, El-Kainah," she whispered, almost inaudibly.

"I love you too," he answered. He was speaking in his native language. His 
mind was still raw from all the emotion swimming through him and her. "I didn't 
mean to get you upset, my Love." He was tracing down her arm with his 
fingertips.

She replied in the same language, the sounds of it soft and liquid. "I was 
already upset, it wasn't you. It just all... collapsed." Snuggling closer, she 
brushed his cheeks lightly with her lips.

He smiled at the feel of her lips against his cheek. "Tell me about it," he 
suggested as he continued to speak in his native language and kept tracing down 
her arm lightly.

"I don't know," Miriam said truthfully. "Sometimes it gets all tangled up and 
I don't know how to untangle it. At home, I could go to a Sorter, they can 
help with things like this. But there aren't any here."

"Maybe I could help," he said. "Have you ever seen how they do it?" he asked.

Miri shook her head. "My cousin Carmody is a Sorter, in training," she said. 
"Sorters train for years and years to learn everything. But I can't tell what 
it is she does because only a stronger Sorter can Go-in to another Sorter, and 
I'm not one."

"I wish I could help," he said quietly and he turned his face and gave her a 
gentle kiss on her soft lips. ~~I love you Miriam.~~ he told her quietly. 
"Don't you know anything about what they do? Or how, I guess?"

"Not really," she said, still in his language. "But you do help, El. You 
helped me just now..." Her lips sought his, the lightest of tender kisses. On 
some 
level she still feared upsetting him with more.

He smiled, having a pretty good idea of what she was talking about but asked 
anyway, "What helped just now?"

"You... reached..." She didn't know how to describe what he had done, so she 
showed him what she meant, how he had slipped his mind into hers and given her 
an anchor to hold on to while he pulled her back from the brink of despair.

His smile dimmed almost imperceptibly. "Like this?" he asked and opened his 
mind even more and allowed her to lock on if she would.

Miri took the invitation, letting her thoughts slide into his, at the same 
time opening to give him full access to her thoughts and feelings. It was 
intoxicatingly sweet, to blend together so deeply. ~~Like this,~~ she agreed.

He could feel her pent up desire, and knew she could feel his too. They were 
linked so tightly. He tried to open up even more. ~~I can feel everything, 
Miri, Show me more?~~ he asked as they held onto one another.

~~Are you sure?~~ But even as she asked, her lips found his again and kissed 
him, with more confidence this time. He had taught her to desire this, to 
enjoy and seek pleasure. And she loved to share the pleasures of their bodies 
together.

"Very sure," he said aloud, all in his native language. Between kisses they 
smiled and giggled together. Finally he spoke again, "Show me, Miri."

Her eyes locked on his, and she lifted herself up and away from him, catching 
his hand to guide him along with her. She could include him in her lifting, 
but she hoped he could do it himself She knew he'd been practicing, furtively, 
when he didn't think she was paying attention. And it wasn't that far from the 
couch to the bedroom.

He focused a little harder and lifted some behind her. He wanted to ask where 
they were going, but he had a good idea. But he was afraid that if he asked 
right now he'd go crashing to the floor with a thud.

Miriam put her arms around El as they went through the bedroom doorway, 
narrowly preventing him from hitting his head on the lintel. And then they were 
tumbling onto the bed, and she was laughing and hugging him. "You did that!" 
she 
exclaimed in El-Aurian, prouder than she could say.

He was breathing heavily and his face shown with sweat. "I can't believe it," 
he said tiredly.

"Oh, my love..." Still meshed, she showed him how to replenish his reserves, 
tapping directly into the Power that was everywhere. "This is the trick to 
it," she murmured, still in the language of his childhood. "We all learn it by 
the time we're six or seven, but you've started late..."

He smiled again. "Who says?" he asked. "I might be six or seven," he teased.

"I don't think so," Miri said softly, caressing down his arm, to his hip, and 
along his slender, muscular thigh. The fabric of his trousers felt rougher 
than usual, but it was only that her nerves were more sensitive. "You're not a 
little boy, love... at least not where it counts." And she brought her hand 
back up to trace a fingertip across his eyebrow, around his eye, and down his 
cheekbone.

He smiled at her again. "I still feel like one sometimes," he confessed. 
"Sometimes, I feel like I am back in the camp with my Mom," he went on his 
voice 
growing distant. He was having trouble focusing on what he wanted to say, 
feeling her hand trace over him.

"I'm not your Mom," murmured Miriam, "but I'll protect you and love you 
always." Her light touches moved to his chest, where she traced random patterns.

"I'm glad you aren't, the way you are making me feel right now," he told her. 
He paused a few minutes as a memory seemed to surface. "I walked in on her 
and Dad once," he said as his face reddened slightly. 

"Did it bother you?" asked Miri, seriously. They were still speaking 
El-Aurian.

"It embarrassed me more than anything," he said. "I heard noises from their 
room. It hadn't been very long since they had found me when it happened," he 
told her. 

"I've read that there are two schools of thought on the subject," she said, 
but her hands were still roaming over him in most distracting ways. "One says 
that children should never, ever be exposed to any sort of sexual activity or 
information except in the most academic and distant manner. The other says that 
children need to know what lovemaking is, and that it's expected to happen 
between adults who love each other in committed relationships, so that they 
will 
understand it's not something to play around with casually." She was slowly 
undoing the fastenings of his clothing.

"And which did your parents practice?" he asked with a smile.

Her answering smile was crooked and amused. "I waited for a commitment, 
didn't I?" she asked in return, and slithered out of her own clothing before 
resuming her deliberate, methodical advances on his.

"You did at that," he smiled. "You sure you want to?" he asked as he began 
caressing her arms and sides.

"Are you sure you do?" She didn't want to compel him. But her lips moved 
along his neck with teasing kisses.

"Yes," he said enjoying the feel of her kisses on his neck. ~~More,~~ he said 
silently and gave her a substantial smile.

His clothes came off, amid touches and kisses and caresses. Her eyes caught 
his, and she knew he was more than ready. With a mischievous smile, she bent to 
kiss that most sensitive part of his anatomy. ~~This kind of more?~~ she 
teased, her mouth too busy to stop and talk.

His voice caught in his throat. He was unable to respond. His only thoughts 
were of her, and the pleasure she was giving him. ~~Miri!!~~ he called to her 
with his mind.

It felt so good. To feel what he was feeling -- but also, surprisingly, the 
very act gave her a sweet pleasure of her own. ~~I love you,~~ she insinuated 
quietly into his mind, and intensified what she was doing. Her whole body 
thrummed with desire, and pleasure, and delight.

His voice released with a groan and again with her name, "I love you, Miri, " 
he sighed. And everything was pleasure. His mind pulsed in rhythm with his 
body and pleasure. 

Miriam sighed, tenderly bringing him down from the peak of ecstasy. The taste 
of him was in her mouth, sweet and warm. She slithered up to lie against him, 
her head on his shoulder.

His voice was gravelly and rumbled below her in his chest. "You didn't have 
to," he told her. "It was wonderful, but you didn't have to."

"Silly." She bopped him lightly on the chest. "Have you ever known me to do 
something I didn't want to do?"

He smiled. "No," he answered. "Why, though?" he asked.

"Why?" she asked, puzzled. "Why not? Or do your people think it's unclean, or 
something?" Miri raised her head up to look into his eyes. "It was wonderful, 
El. It wasn't just about your pleasure. It felt good to me, too."

He smiled. "No," his eyes grew distant. "At least I don't think so," he said. 
"I'm glad you thought it felt good. It did feel good," he said.

Miriam smiled, and started to kiss him. But hesitated, realizing that he 
might not want to share the taste that was in her mouth.

He kissed her back eagerly. ~~I love you Miri,~~ he told her silently as they 
kissed.

~~And I love you, El,~~ she repeated. ~~Always. Forever.~~ She clung to him, 
her fingers tracing lightly up and down his back. Kissing, she nibbled his 
lower lip and teased his tongue with hers. ~~And always I will want to make 
love 
with you.~~

He found her to be so exciting. His fingers were tracing down her skin, which 
was hot to the touch. Their tongues danced and darted in one another's mouths 
as they kissed and touched. ~~You mean now?~~ he teased her knowing that was 
exactly what she wanted. It was fun to see her like this.

He seemed insatiable at times, but Miriam found nothing wrong with that. 
~~Now is good, too,~~ she told him, and nipped lightly at his throat, following 
up 
with flicks of her tongue.

He chuckled slightly at her nips and licks of his throat. "Oh you would 
rather, we just kiss and touch some more?" he asked as he ran his hands over 
some 
of the more sensitive parts of her body.

She drew in a breath as his thumb paused on her nipple. "Oh, that's nice," 
she sighed, and shared the sensation with him, nuzzling under his ear.

He smiled at her. "It is, hmm?" he said with mock innocence. He continued to 
roam his hands over her skin and paused when he got to what he knew were her 
most sensitive spots. "It feels good when you share it, doesn't it?" he said as 
she continued to share the sensations he was causing. It was strange but it 
was also very exciting.

Miri nodded, a little breathless. Her body was very ready to receive him. But 
touching like this was a separate pleasure of its own, and worthy of 
attention. She kissed him again, deeply, and drew her fingernails lightly up 
his back.

He groaned into the kiss. ~~Miri, now,~~ he said. ~~I want to join with you 
now,~~ he repeated with a sense of urgency underneath his thoughts.

She wrapped herself around him, taking him into her, arching and moaning a 
little as her body responded to him entering. Muscles tightened and throbbed, 
and Miri whimpered softly with the urgency that was now in her mind and body as 
well as his.

He gasped as he felt her close around him. And opened his mind completely to 
her. There were no walls, no privacy now. He let her go wherever she wanted as 
they moved together, climbing toward that peak.

Brightness flared with each thrust as they moved together in perfect rhythm. 
Music swelled and crashed around them, driving them onward even as it 
reflected what they were already experiencing. Pulses beat as one, muscles 
tensed and 
relaxed and tensed again. Pleasure rose to a blinding crescendo that enveloped 
them both.

His mind was so completely meshed into hers that he began to babble 
incoherently in a mixture of his own language and hers as the pleasure took 
them both 
over.

Slowly... slowly they drifted down from the pinnacle of ecstasy, the waves of 
pleasure rolling gently through them. Miriam found separateness first, though 
they were still joined, body and mind. ~~I want to be with you always,~~ she 
told him in a thought.

~~Me too,~~ he agreed although he wasn't sure which language he was thinking 
in any more. He could usually keep that part straight, and the fact that he 
wasn't able to any more had thrown him. He was certain there was a hint of fear 
in the thoughts he was sharing with her.

To Miri, as a Communicator, it didn't matter what language or languages they 
shared. She could feel his fear, and traced the origin, blanketing his 
thoughts and fears with reassurance and love. ~~Need help?~~ she offered. She 
could 
sense the source of his confusion, and knew she could help him untangle it. 
After all, unlike the emotions she'd lost control of earlier, it was only 
language. And language was her strong point.

He couldn't speak, he could only nod his head. He was confused and it 
bothered him. He was still having trouble sorting out which language his mind 
was 
using. 

Miriam corralled her own thoughts into Federation Standard English, and 
gently slid his into line. With both their minds focused into the language they 
used every day to deal with others, it was a simple matter to let everything 
else 
slide into the accustomed grooves. She waited calmly while he organized his 
conscious thoughts again.

"I've never had that happen to me before," he said in FSE. He smiled as he 
felt things clicking back to where he knew they should be. 

She stretched a little, with him still inside her, feeling the gentle throb 
and pulse. "It used to happen to me pretty regularly when I was first 
developing my Gift," she told him. "So I know how to fix it easily." And she 
grinned, 
squirming just enough to tease him.

"How," his voice caught as he felt her teasing him. "How did you learn it? I 
mean, I don't even speak your native language but I was able to think in it," 
he said.

"It's because we're," she hesitated, "I guess permanently linked is the best 
way to describe it. We've been building toward it all along. I felt it kind of 
click into place, in the middle of everything just now."

He smiled. "Permanently linked?" he asked. "I've never felt anything like 
that before," he told her and grinned broadly.

"Me, neither," she whispered, her smile mirroring his own. "I've sensed it in 
others... and wished that someday I'd have something like it..."

"It's nice, isn't it?" he asked with a smile. 

She had been a little worried that he might find it frightening, or unwanted. 
So to hear him accepting it -- accepting her, unconditionally -- was warming 
and delightful. Miriam pulled him more tightly to her, and kissed him. "Yes," 
she said, warmly along his cheek. "Yes, it's wonderful. As wonderful as you 
are."

He groaned feeling her on his neck. "I'm not that wonderful," he protested 
weakly.

"You are to me," she insisted. Half turning and half lifting, she 
repositioned them both with her sitting up straddling his hips, and moved 
slowly on him. 
~~Like that?~~ she asked, careful to keep her thoughts to Standard while he 
was still getting used to all this.

He ran his hands up her sides and nodded. "You're the one that is wonderful," 
he said with a sigh.

Miri continued moving, slowly and deliberately, bringing them both back to a 
state of highly sensitized readiness. "Maybe it's just that we're wonderful 
for each other," she breathed.

His hands searched for those sensitive places on her body. "Maybe, " he 
breathed. His hands found her breasts again and caressed them gently, his thumb 
grazing her nipple. "Feels so good," he breathed.

Purposely, she kept her thoughts separate as she tightened on him and moved, 
arching her back and meeting his upward thrusts. She could feel the reaction 
of his body now, without being overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions. The 
urgency that centered in his groin was deliciously tantalizing, and Miri 
intensified 
her own movements, matching his rhythm, feeling the tensing of his body.

He searched her face for a reaction to what he was doing with his hands, 
because his mind was focused on his own pleasure that she was causing with her 
rhythmic moving on him. 

She gasped as his thumbs and forefingers squeezed her nipples gently, and 
leaned forward so that he could reach them with his mouth. "More?" she 
whispered, 
grinding against his hips. He was sliding into her faster now, a tingle 
building toward his release. She struggled to keep her own body from reacting 
too 
soon, so that he would take her over the edge with him.

~~More,~~ he spoke into her mind.  This time, it was his mouth that was busy. 
 But not for long -- as he gasped, his body getting ahead of his thoughts and 
making it impossible for him to think.

Miriam echoed the gasp, and could hold back no longer.  The spasms of 
pleasure that rocked their bodies were mild compared to the way their minds 
merged 
together.  And this time, there was no language at all -- but only brightness, 
and joy, and love.

***   ***   ***

In the middle of the night, Miri woke, snuggled warmly against her lover.  
His presence held back the nagging fears and despair.  It was good to be with 
him, to feel his love for her even as he slept.

But Miri knew that wasn't enough.  They couldn't stay wrapped around each 
other all the time; they had work to do.  And even with the love they shared, 
some time apart was necessary.

El sighed in his sleep, and pulled her closer, so that her head rested on his 
shoulder, then relaxed.

"I love you," Miriam whispered in El-Aurian.  And as she drifted back to 
sleep, she promised herself she'd make an appointment with the ship's counselor.

=/\=

Other related posts: