<USS Avalon> Fear of Change

 =/\= Fear Of Change =/\=
by Camdell Loyen and Kaera Ashayu



Cam finished up with his final PT appointment for the day, a sturdy young 
Ensign who was nursing a few strained muscles suffered in some exercise or 
another. He had been concerned for Kaera. So after he was finished he made his 
way 
down to the library.

Kaera had kept her own counsel lately. She had finally figured out what had 
happened, but hadn't the slightest idea how or why. It might have something to 
do with the strange dreams that continued to plague her on and off. But then, 
it might not.

Truthfully, she missed confiding in Cam. She missed his cheerful optimism and 
his unconditional love for her. Especially she missed his unshakable faith in 
her as a person. But this was too difficult to talk about with any ease. 
She'd been trying to figure out how to bring it up, but so far hadn't any 
bright 
ideas.

He strode into the ship's library with a calm demeanor and a smile as he 
spotted her behind the counter at the desk. He offered a smile to her 
assistant, 
Miriam, who was at an open table near by. As he approached the counter, he 
reached for Kaera and smiled even broader. "I've missed you, Kaera," he said 
quietly.

Her hands started to reach for him, but she drew them back. He was an empath, 
even more sensitive than she was. If he touched her, she suspected, he'd 
know. And they had to discuss it without letting all the emotions get in the 
way. 
"We need to talk," Kaera responded, just as quietly, and led the way to her 
office.

He had been surprised by her reaction. ~~Why so distant my Love?~~ he asked 
silently as he followed her.

Kaera flinched. She never had quite gotten used to his silent communication, 
and the only time she felt remotely comfortable with it was in moments of 
intimacy. On an intellectual level, she knew he couldn't really read her 
thoughts 
unless she projected them to him, but a very primitive part of her cowered 
away from his telepathy, feeling horribly exposed.

She let the office door close them away from the main library, and turned, 
clasping her hands in front of her. "Something has happened," she said very 
softly. "Something I could not possibly have planned on."

"What?" he asked. "What is it, Kaera?"

She met his gaze, then looked away. "How much do you know of Cardassian 
physiology?" she asked.

"A little," he said. "I did some checking on my own after we met," he told 
her. "I was intrigued."

He was looking at her. He had seen her flinch when he had spoken to her with 
only his mind. He could tell she was nervous about something. He wanted to 
reassure her that she could count on him. He wasn't sure how. 

"Something unexpected has happened," Kaera repeated. "I don't know how. It 
took me long enough to figure out what." She still couldn't look him in the 
eye. 
"With Cardassians, it is a choice... only it's a choice I didn't make. Or 
don't remember making. I would not have chosen," she stammered. "At least, not 
now. Not without discussing it first. I'm afraid of so much responsibility," 
she 
admitted, finally looking up at him. "And if I'm afraid, how could I ask it 
of you?"

"Ask me what Kaera?" he asked her back. "You haven't told me what has 
happened yet."  He smiled and took her hand and did his best to hid his 
discomfort 
with the fear and nervousness she was projecting.

As much as she wanted to wrap her arms around him and be comforted, Kaera 
slowly took her hand back and took one step away from Cam, still looking at him 
very soberly. "I... have conceived," she admitted, each word coming forth with 
great difficulty.

Saying something that he would later feel extremely dense for, he responded, 
"Conceived what?"

All right, so it wasn't her native language -- nor his, for that matter -- 
but she'd thought they were both fairly fluent in it. "I am pregnant," she 
gritted out, entirely unsure of what sort of reaction to expect.

"Pregnant?" he asked. "Are you sure?"

Miserably, Kaera nodded, and gazed at the floor between her feet. She could 
no longer muster the energy to protest that she hadn't ovulated on purpose, 
that she couldn't remember having done so at all. He would leave her, and she 
would be left alone to bear and rear a half-breed child... Well, there was no 
shame to bearing or being a half-breed in the Federation, but surely there was 
still shame in being abandoned by the father of one's child...

He was surprised, to be sure. "Wow," was really the only response he could 
manage at the moment. His mouth was dry beyond all measure as he stood there 
trying to generate enough saliva to lubricate his vocal cords and the muscles 
controlling his tongue and jaw. 

Slowly, she turned away. She'd just go hide in the washroom until he left, 
and have a little cry all by herself.

He reached for her, as she tried to leave the room. "No, Kaera," he squeaked 
out as his hand touched her arm. "Please, don't go, I'm sorry." He was now 
having the opposite problem. His words were coming in quick bursts. It was like 
as though the dam had started to leak and that steady stream of words had begun 
to flow through the cracks.  "Don't shut me out, Kaera, please," he begged. 
"I was just surprised, is all," he said again. "I came here worried about us, 
and now have justified your concerns as well as my own."

She didn't understand. The words were familiar but they seemed jumbled and 
nonsensical. "I'm sorry," Kaera murmured. "It was not deliberate, Cam... I 
would 
not have wanted to -- to trap you..."

"I don't feel trapped," he told her. "I don't feel trapped." He was smiling 
at her, his white teeth shining in the room light. "Please, Kaera, I know this 
is not how you imagined it being but, I..." he trailed off and sunk into a 
chair. "I don't feel trapped, Love. I know you didn't plan it to be this way. 
But 
I think I like the idea of creating a child with you," his voice was steady 
now. An even through the shakiness she could sense the sincerity that his voice 
contained.

She could feel his sincerity, and his fear. But it wasn't fear of her, or of 
what she'd told him. Rather, it felt like fear of change, of Things As They 
Are going off in a new direction. Which was very much how Kaera herself had 
been 
feeling for some time now. She stopped, and leaned on the desk, half-sitting. 
"It was that dream," she stammered.

Cam nodded. It had been a strange dream indeed. "You never told me what yours 
had been about," he told her. 

That was because it had been too horrible to speak of. But she steeled 
herself to tell him now. "I was the last survivor of my people," she whispered. 
"The 
things I did to survive... were unspeakable. You -- and many others -- used 
me. It was the only way to keep at least the memory of my world alive, to live 
for the millions who had died..." Tears formed in her eyes and spilled slowly 
over her cheek ridges. "But even in the dream, I did not plan for a child."

"It must have been because of you being the last," he surmised. "Your body 
must have required it, " he said. "I mean that it must have been the universe 
trying to repopulate your people."

Kaera smiled, a wry twisted smile. "The universe hasn't much knowledge of 
genetics, then," she said.

Cam gave her a smile that matched hers. "Well, genetics are overrated as far 
as I am concerned." He paused and gave a small chuckle. "We're going to have a 
baby?" he asked without really asking. 

Gazing at him soberly, she nodded. "I'm not ready..." she confessed in a very 
small voice. "I'm... so very not ready."

"You don't want to keep it?" he asked suddenly concerned. He had never 
considered that she would not keep the child she now carried. "Kaera..." he 
paused 
but could not find the words to continue.

Reaching for her desk chair, she sat down with a sigh. "That is not an 
option," she said slowly. "I know for many people it might be, but Cardassians 
don't 
-- don't terminate pregnancies."  She'd thought about it.  But, even now, she 
was still Cardassian.  "And even though I've left my people and my upbringing 
behind, it's all still in my head. And in my heart. I won't kill an innocent 
child. I'll just have to do my best to be ready for motherhood when the time 
comes."

He was watching her as she spoke. It occurred to him as he did what at least 
part of the problem was. "You think you are alone in this, don't you?" he 
asked to confirm his suspicions.

Kaera didn't answer right away. Instead, she asked, "Cam... what do you 
remember of that -- that dream?" She knew a lot of people had experienced it. 
She 
suspected almost everyone on board had some odd memories of it.

He searched for a chair to sit in as he started to speak. "I am not sure, 
really. I mean, I have discussed it with you and with a few others, I don't 
remember what I remember myself and what others have told me about their own 
impressions of their dream." He sat down heavily in the near by chair he had 
found 
as he spoke. 

"I told you what I remember of -- of my interaction with you in the dream," 
Kaera stammered. "What do you remember of your interaction with me?"

Cam sighed heavily. "Business like? I guess," he said. "I mean you were..." 
he left the technical description of what her job was for him out of his 
statement. "I mean there was no love in the act, it was all about pleasure but 
it 
was a shallow pleasure of the flesh, not the way it is now with us," he said as 
he reached for her hand.

Her hand reached out, but didn't quite meet his, yet. "I have felt very alone 
since then," she said softly.

"It was..." he trailed off a moment and gave her a weak smile. "I was going 
to say that it was only a dream. But it wasn't was it?" he asked. "I mean, you 
couldn't have gotten pregnant in a dream and be pregnant in reality, could 
you?"

"I don't think so," she responded. "And... since I have no memory of 
ovulating, I also don't know..." She let that trail off. In the dream or 
alternate 
reality, or whatever it was, Cam had not been the only man who used her body.

Cam nodded, knowing what she was concerned about. "It's all right, Kaera. It 
was just a dream. With what happened to you on the streets, I am not surprised 
that it would invade your dreams like that, really." 

Her hand, finally, touched his, and she let herself share all her fears and 
worries. "But... there are tests, aren't there? I can find out?" Federation 
medicine was far more advanced in this area; it wasn't something Cardassian 
physicians had ever concerned themselves with.

"Of course we can get you tested if you wish," he said. "If you really wanted 
to know," he told her. 

We. He hadn't said you can get tested. Tightening her grip on his hand, Kaera 
said, "I told you I would not have wished to trap you. Most especially I will 
not trap you into being a father to someone else's child."

"As far as I am concerned, Kaera," he said calmly, "no matter who contributed 
the DNA, it is -- and always will be -- our child, and you needn't worry 
about trapping me."

His reassurance, and the warm concern behind it, was making her want to sob 
helplessly. She had felt so alone these past weeks, even before she had figured 
out why her body was behaving so differently. That experience in the dream 
state, or alternate reality, had left her as aloof and untrusting as she had 
ever been in her life. The feeling of being completely alone, of having no one 
who cared, and knowing no one ever would, had left her emotions raw and 
bleeding. Now Cam was tearing the scabs off... and bathing the wounds with 
soothing 
ointment. Kaera stood up, still holding his hand, and leaned against him 
wordlessly.

He held onto her there in her office, comforting her gently. "Now, now, no 
tears, Kaera," he murmured as he rubbed her back comfortingly. "The truth 
deserves no tears."

"I feel as if I will have to start all over again," she whispered. He would 
know what she meant. Building trust. Learning to love.

Cam nodded. "It won't be so difficult this time, as long as it isn't trust 
between you and me that needs rebuilt."

"I'm afraid," Kaera murmured, and somewhere found the courage to look up into 
the depths of his dark eyes.

"Of what?" he asked as they looked deeply at one another.

She didn't know, or at least couldn't find words to tell him. After a long 
pause, she said very quietly, "I don't understand why you care for me, Cam. 
Surely I don't deserve it. But... I love you."

"I am no deity, Kaera," he told her. "I am just a man who gives love to 
everyone regardless of whether they deserve it. You may not think you are 
worthy of 
the love I feel for you, my dearest love," he took her into his arms gently 
but firmly. "But believe me, you are. And I do love you, Kaera. Very much."

Now, at last, the tears rained silently from her eyes as she clung to him. 
Thoughts raced through her mind. She should go to Sickbay, and let the doctors 
examine her and run those tests. She should try to eat something, as she'd been 
too upset to eat much for days. She ought to check on the library and make 
sure Miriam had everything under control... but all she could do was hold on to 
Cam and cry.

Cam just held her a few moments and let her cry. After she had started to 
calm a little, he sat her in a chair. "I'll be right back," he told her. He 
went 
out to ask Miriam to cover for her while he took her home. When he came back 
in he told her, "OK, first things first, we're going to get you home, get you a 
meal, and then a bath and a nap. After that, I'll take you down to Medical to 
get you checked out. OK?"

Kaera nodded. It felt good to let him take charge, for a while.

He smiled at her, and helped her up out of the chair. "Let's go, then," he 
said.

And with her slender grey hand tucked in his long bronze one, they walked 
through the library and out into the corridor. Going home.


=/\=

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