<USS Avalon> Facing Feelings, part two

"Well that leaves us with a whole mega load of things we can do." Annabelle 
laughed as the door closed. Then she turned to Josh and smiled. "You done 
cleaning? I'll help ya get the place put back together."

 

Josh looked at the floor and frowned. It still wasn't really clean enough to 
suit him. He could see marks on it. From where they'd sat. From where Mac had 
fallen. Several places just seemed wrong to him. He looked at Annabelle and 
shook his head slightly. "I...well...it's still not...really...very 
clean...it's ....look..." he looked at her and finished weakly. "It's smudged."

 

Annabelle looked at the spot he was pointing at but she didn't see anything.  
"I think your OCD is getting worse Josh." Turning to look at him she reached 
out and brushed curls from his face. "I know things are still raw when it comes 
to losing Zack and all, but this hyperdrive thing you've jumped into with work 
and shit isn't good." Annabelle could tell that her little speech was going in 
one ear and out the other. It was time to get the boy's attention. Leaning in 
she kissed him full on the lips. 

 

He startled when she leaned in, then froze, surprised by the gentle softness of 
her lip. She set his nerves on edge in the strangest way he couldn't explain 
and yet...he didn't want her to stop. Instead, he reached up a slightly shaking 
hand and gently placed it on her shoulder, drawing her closer to him, returning 
the kiss very tentatively. 

 

Pulling away a little, Annabelle remained close to him. "Are you ok?"

 

Josh stepped back, looking away, and shrugged. Sure. He was fine. Sighing, he 
looked again at the floor. He should really finish what he started...

 

"That's not what I meant." Annabelle sighed. "I didn't mean are you ok in the 
general how are you feeling way. I want to know if your ok with what I did 
cause I'd really like to kiss you again."

 

Josh hesitated a fraction of a moment before looking up at her, stepping 
tentatively back toward her. He reached up slowly, moving her dark hair back 
from her face with a feather-light touch and tilting it up toward him before 
gently kissing her upon the lips again.

 

Annabelle wouldn't have seen that coming if the Bajoran Prophets had told her 
themselves that it was coming. Her shock and surprise were long forgotten 
however when she took the chance and deepened their kiss slowly cause she 
didn't want to scare Josh. As much as she wanted more, she knew they had to go 
at his pace. Well, at least to a point, if they'd gone at his pace any longer 
when it came to their first kiss it would have never happened. But here it was, 
it was happening.

 

Josh released her slowly, looking into her eyes, amazed at how truly beautiful 
they were. How had he missed really seeing them before now? Realizing abruptly 
that he was staring, he blushed brightly, looking away, a ghost of a smile upon 
his lips.

 

Annabelle laughed softly as she reached out and took Josh's hand. "It's ok to 
stare at me when you've just kissed me, Josh." Brushing more curls from his 
face she kissed him softly on the lips again. "Get your smudges. I'll start 
carrying out the little things."

 

He began scrubbing in earnest again, still blushing. When at last the floor was 
at least tolerably clean to him...he couldn't seem to get it really clean 
enough...he began carrying out the larger pieces of furniture and positioning 
them very carefully in their places, mindful of precisely where they should be. 

 

Just for a little fun, Annabelle waited until Josh had the pillows on the couch 
just right before flopping down right in the middle. She laughed at the look on 
his face, and then got up so he could fix them yet again. "Your such a nut, but 
a cute nut." Following him into the bedroom to get another piece of furniture, 
Annabelle blinked. "How the hell did you get all this crap in here?" There was 
barely room for them both to be in there. 

 

"I..." He drew a breath, finding it inexplicably hard to think with her so very 
close to him. What was the question? Oh..yeah..the crap....how had he got it in 
here. "I...carried it....?" He managed at last as tried to step over the small 
end table, past Annabelle, in the very cramped space only to find himself 
toppling backward and her with him. Before he could even reach a hand back to 
break their fall, he landed, bouncing slightly upon the pillow soft comforter 
on Mac's bed, with Annabelle on top of him.

 

She blushed as she swallowed hard the sudden lump in her throat. Annabelle 
looked down into pure pools of blue. She bit her bottom lip again as she tried 
to make up her mind as what to do. Finally she leaned down and kissed him 
again, this time weaving her fingers through his hair.  He returned her kiss 
this time without hesitation, his arms seeming to go around her slender waist 
of their own accord.

 

Annabelle melted under his gentle touch. Her mind was screaming at her to slow 
down, but her body and her heart were telling her mind to shut the hell up. Her 
fingers ran through his hair, down his neck and back, and back around to the 
front of his uniform. Annabelle made sure he was to busy focusing on the kiss 
to realize that she was unzipping his jacket, untucking his layers of shirts, 
and then gingerly tracing the tips of her finger along his bare stomach.

 

Josh jumped at the electric feeling of her fingertips brushed his skin, 
approaching the brand he'd carried since childhood, and reminding him abruptly 
who and what he was, as well as what happens to those he let himself love. 
Pulling her away gently, he sat up, catching his breath. What had he been 
thinking? He stood up, quickly righting his clothing and picked up the end 
table over which he'd tripped, carrying it into the main living area without a 
word. He placed it carefully where it belonged and went for another cup of 
coffee, trying to clear his head. 

 

"Josh?" Annabelle asked breathlessly as she got up off the bed. She watched him 
going for more coffee and frowned, her cheeks turning crimson. "I'm sorry. I 
thought.. I didn't mean.. I mean I wanted too.. I'm just.. Sorry."

 

He looked at her, flabbergasted. What was she apologizing for? 

 

"don't.." he plead quietly. "please don't." He shook his head, trying to figure 
out how to explain to her what he was feeling and thinking when he wasn't even 
sure himself. "You didn't..I mean.I'm not ..I." He blew out a frustrated 
breath, growing angry with himself at his own inadequacy. "It's.it's just this" 
he told her at last, showing her the branded "O" on his skin, his eyes upon the 
floor, somehow unable to face her as he showed her what he was.

Annabelle walked over to him and brushed her fingers around the "O". "Oh Josh. 
I know they did horriable things to you in that place." She pressed the palm of 
her hand against the brand and moved in closer to him. "These," She trailed a 
finger along the scar on his face. "don't bother me. They don't make me think 
less of you. Your still amazing to me."

"You don't understand," he said quietly, years of pain, frustration and pent-up 
anger audible in a voice that almost wasn't. "I'm not...I can't be..." again 
the words escaped him, and the frustration continued building. He looked around 
desperately for something to do...something he understood... 

"I know it's hard, Josh, but please help me understand?" Annabelle asked in a 
voice almost as soft and low as his. "Your not what? Worth it? Oh sweetheart 
your more then worth it. You can't be what? Loved? Your already loved by so 
many; by me."

He looked at her, his eyes filled with pain and confusion. He didn't 
understand. "No...you can't...you think so....maybe...maybe for now...but ..." 
He said finally, drawing a ragged breath. "it won't matter...if you want it 
to...or not. You won't have a choice. Things happen. Life...happens." Lowering 
his head, obscuring tear-filled eyes with thick dark curls he almost whispered, 
"death...happens."

Annabelle cupped both sides of Josh's face, forcing him to look at her. "Yes it 
does, which is why you have to live your life while you you it to live. I coud 
die tomorrow but that would be ok because I got to spend today with you. You 
can't be scared of living, Josh. That's worse then death."

He shook his head, placing his hands over hers. "I can't..." he admitted at 
last. "It hurts..." He stroked her cheek gently, then placed his fingers upon 
her lips and gazed into her eyes. At last he found the words to explain the 
fear he could no longer escape. Drawing a deep breath, he admitted what it was 
he was feeling at last, to her, and to himself as well. "I'm not...brave 
enough...to risk loving...and losing you. But, I'm not strong enough to stop 
it, either." 

Tears filled Annabelle's eyes. "Then don't stop it. Please Josh. Love me the 
way I love you."

Drawing her close and holding her tightly to him, he whispered softly. "I 
already do."

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