<USS Avalon> "Coping"

Coping
Lieutenant Commander Elissabeth Marksbury
and Junior Lieutenant Sussanna Jameson


A reference, who the hell heard of a Lieutenant needing a bloody reference to 
take an extra course at the Academy? Anna grumbled as she headed to Lissi's 
quarters, PADD in hand. Roan had already given her one, but she needed one from 
both commanding officers. All I want to do is be a doctor, nothing complicated, 
just finish my training, but no! everything has to be riddled with bureaucracy. 
Depressing the chime, Anna waited for Elissabeth to invite her in. 

Humphing when she didn't get an answer, Anna checked the door and found it 
unlocked. Well, I left my cardy in there, so I can always just grab that and 
go. Maybe leave Lissi a note. She wandered into the main room and froze. From 
the bedroom, Anna could hear sobbing. Not Lissi, surely. Curious, she poked her 
head around the door and her heart stopped in her chest.

"Oh Elissabeth," she said, not sure whether to disturb her or not. The sound of 
her voice caused Lissi to freeze for a moment before bringing a tear streaked 
face up to look at her. "What's wrong?" 

"Get out," she said with more anger and anguish than Anna had ever seen or 
heard before from the woman. 

"I'll be damned if I will." Anger flared and mimicked anger. "What's wrong with 
you?"

"That's an order," Lissi said through clenched teeth. "Unauthorized entry into 
my quarters. Get the hell out." Each word was soft in volume and timbre, but 
left no room for question of intent.

Dropping to the floor beside her, Anna reached forward to take Lissi's face in 
her hands. "No," she said softly. "Call Security, have them throw me in the 
brig. I'm not leaving you willingly." 

The moment Anna's hand touched her, Elissabeth lashed out knocking both of them 
away. 

Her fingers stung with the impact, but Anna ignored it, reaching for her again. 
"I'm serious, Lissi, I'm not leaving. Please tell me what's wrong." Anna 
smothered the urge to get angry and berate, digging deep inside to find that 
little bit of humanity she knew she'd buried somewhere.

"Don't touch me." The words were filled with venom and something else... 
longing, perhaps? 

Again ignoring Lissi's outburst, Anna reached forward and took her into her 
arms. "If you order me to leave you alone one more time, I'll be forced to put 
myself on charges for disobeying a superior officer." 

The first reaction was to hit the girl, but Lissi caught herself just in time. 
Instead she flinched as Anna touched her, and then she lost a great deal of the 
fight from her eyes. Looking down, she whispered pitifully, "Please, just 
leave."

"No, I'm sorry sir, I can't do that." Anna brushed Lissi's soft hair and rocked 
back and forth. "Come on, Elissabeth, tell me."

"God, Anna, don't do this," she whimpered, tears beginning to cascade down her 
cheeks once again.

Kissing the top of Elissabeth's head, Anna continued to rock. "Let me help you."

"Wrong. All... so... wrong," she managed to quietly get out. 

"What's wrong? Oh Elissabeth, you are so strong, what's made you cry like this?"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" she exclaimed. "Why does everyone have to 
keep saying it? Why?!" Her chest heaved with the words and she just couldn't 
stop the sobs that were wracking her body.

"Shhh, there now, shhh." Anna bit back the urge to stab herself vigorously for 
making Lissi cry again. "It's all going to be alright, I promise." Uh-huh, and 
how is that exactly? Not entirely sure what to do now, Anna just continued to 
hold her friend, letting the tears come. 

"I'm not," Lissi cried quietly. "I'm not the strong one. She was, but she's 
gone and I try and I'm not, but everybody says it and everybody expects it and 
I try and try. I'm just not."

"You are, of course you are. You are the strongest person I know. Come on Liss, 
eh? You know you are," she said, wiping the tears away from Lissi's cheeks. 

With surprising strength, Elissabeth pushed Anna away from her, knocking her 
back. "Stop it!" she screamed.

Shocked, Anna just sat there and looked at her. Anna's ears were still ringing 
from her friend's yelling. "I... I... I'm sorry." Scuttling backwards, she hit 
the wall and used it to climb to her feet. "God, I'm so sorry." 

Elissabeth said nothing, just sat huddled in the floor, body shaking. 

Rushing out of the room, Anna headed to the replicator. "Two English Breakfasts 
with milk and sugar." Taking the hot drinks through, Anna handed one to Lissi. 
"Drink this, it'll help." 

Holding the cup in her hands as if it were the only thing in the universe 
tangible, Lissi finally looked up at Anna. Settling back into the floor, she 
leaned against the bed, knees drawn up to her chest. "You just don't 
understand, do you?" She was no longer sobbing, though the occasional tear 
would trickle down her cheek. 

"No, but I don't have to. I'm here to help you Lissi, not understand you." 
Tucking her legs under her, Anna sat next to her friend. "Let me help you, tell 
me what you need to, to make you better. Don't betray anything that you must 
keep hidden but do let me be here for you." 

Taking a shaky breath, some of her former reserve crept in. "This is incredibly 
inappropriate." 

"Is it? Does it matter?" Shrugging, Anna took a sip of the hot tea. "What does 
propriety matter?" 

"I don?t know anymore," she admitted. "I don?t know anything anymore." 
Elissabeth choked on the words, hating to admit them, to finally say out loud 
the doubts and fears in her mind. "I?m scared, Anna."

"We all are. Scared to the bone, of living, of not living anymore. Everything 
is about the fear. Or at least that's how I feel sometimes." Anna smiled as she 
stared off at nothing. "We just have to work through it." Laughing suddenly, 
she glanced sideways at Lissi. "I make one hell of a hypocrite, don't I?"

"So much has changed. Is changing." Elissabeth shook her head back and forth. 
"You would think with a past like mine that I could deal with change. But I'm 
not coping. Not at all." 

"But you are. Just because you cry once, doesn't mean you're not coping. We 
each of us need to break down once in a while." Hell, I do it all the time, she 
thought.

"You're not understanding me. I can't stop crying. It's all I've done... I... 
botched that meeting with Garrity and practically cried over it in front of 
him. I walked on the holodeck and nearly cried from staring at the moon. The 
only thing that stopped me was sheer embarrassment over what my companion may 
have thought." Blowing out a breath, she took another sip of tea and then set 
the cup down, resting her hands across her knees. 

"I can't rationalise these things for you, Liss. All I can do is sit here and 
listen to you, talk to you, help you. Pain and grief are things we each deal 
with in our own ways. This is yours." Anna wanted to make it all go away for 
her, make her right again, cure every ill, ease every pain, but she knew that 
Elissabeth would never let her.

"I didn't ask you too, Sussanna. I asked you to leave." Her voice was cold and 
harsh again.

"And yet I am still here. Funny that," she said, ignoring the anger of the 
woman beside her and covering it with light-heartedness.

"I don't know whether to love you or to hate you sometimes." 

"Hate is a marvelous thing, don't you think? I use it every day to get myself 
out of bed. Hate for my father, hate for my mother, hate for my lack of 
experience, hate for my lack of qualifications, hate for myself. It's a 
wonderful motivator," she said whimsically. 

Elissabeth turned red-rimmed eyes to stare at the woman who'd come to mean so 
much to her. "But I don't hate you." She blinked rapidly. "I love you." 

Placing her cup carefully on the floor beside her, Anna looked into Lissi's 
eyes and smiled warmly. "And I love you." Oh God how I love you. She reached 
forward and brushed Lissi's cheek, kissing her forehead. "Love is another 
reason to get up in the mornings. In fact, I think it's a better reason."

"It... may not be exactly the kind of love... I mean... what you're looking or 
hoping for... or... I don't know." Elissabeth sighed and looked away, feeling 
so unsure of herself, of what she thought or felt. And the ramifications of 
those feelings weighed on her heavily. Turning back to face Anna, she leaned 
closer and pressed her lips against the younger girl's, almost awkwardly.

Anna sank into the kiss, the one thing she'd wanted from the first time they'd 
met. But inside a war raged and she pulled back. "Lissi," she whispered. "Be 
sure, be very sure." 

Swallowing, she looked down at her hands, "I'm not... can't be sure of anything 
right now. It just... felt right for the moment. I'm sorry." The words were so 
pitiful sounding.

"Don't be, please never be sorry for anything." Anna tipped Lissi's chin so 
that they could look eye to eye. "Thank you, Elissabeth." She leaned in to kiss 
very lightly.

Unsure if it was vulnerability or loneliness, or very, very possibly the 
several glasses of wine she'd had, Elissabeth leaned forward into Anna's kiss, 
parting her lips and welcoming her taste and tender gesture. Reaching up to 
stroke the side of Anna's face, she deepened the embrace and moaned softly into 
her mouth. It felt nice. And she truly needed to feel something.

Passion grew inside Anna but she held it at bay, allowing Lissi to control 
everything. She wanted this so much, she was scared of forcing herself on the 
one person she cared about most.

Hesitantly at first, but then with more desire, Elissabeth pulled her closer, 
wanting, needing to be touched - to be loved.

Anna gave in to everything Lissi demanded. She pulled her close, trembling 
under the touch of the other woman and yet burning for more. 

Once their kisses and caresses reached a point of no turning back for either 
woman, Elissabeth reached for Sussanna's hand, pulling her up onto the bed. 
"Stay with me?" she asked softly, though nothing at all needed to be said.

"Of course."

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