<USS Avalon> "Beethoven's Ninth"

Beethoven¹s Ninth
by Lt. Cmdr. Elissabeth Marksbury and Lt. Sussanna Jameson

The fast and furious strains of the end of Beethoven's fourth movement of
his ninth symphony fell upon Elissabeth's ears as she stood outside the
doorway to Sussanna Jameson's room. Closing her eyes, she could feel the
emotion behind the stringed instrument and she waited patiently for the
music to subside before she pressed the chime.

Opening her eyes, Anna walked to the door, knowing full well that she must
be covered in sweat and smell like a pig. But frankly, she didn't care. She
was a little taken aback when Marksbury's face was the one that presented
itself.

"Come in, sir. Please, take a seat. Excuse the mess, my roommate is a bit
untidy and I've only been back an hour or so. Can I fetch you something?"
Cursing her laziness, Anna placed her violin carefuly down on its stand and
started  picking up the debris.

Elissabeth smiled in what she hoped was a reassuring manner and took the
offered seat, trying to be as relaxed as possible. "You play beautifully,
Anna," she said softly, unsure where to start and yet having so many things
to say. They hadn't spoken since the day John died.

Blushing, Anna dropped the dirty dishes into the recycler. "Thank you. I've
had lessons since I was four. It's just years of practice."

"I'm glad to see you've made a full recovery. I... kept an eye on you from
time to time in sickbay. As much as I was able to, anyway."

Anna flinched but said nothing and carried on tidying the room.

Elissabeth wanted her to sit down, to talk, but it seemed the younger woman
was more comfortable busying herself about the room, so she just sat back
and waited patiently for Anna to respond. She knew better than to push or to
make a situation more awkward by rambling on for no reason.

"It's not perfect, but it'll have  to do. I swear, she's worse than a first
year cadet." Smiling awkwardly, Anna asked the replicator for two green teas
and set them on the coffee table before finally sitting down. "What can I do
for you, sir?"

"Thank you," she said, taking the drink from the table, surprised at how
much she wanted it. "You don't have to stay here, you know. You're a
Lieutenant now. I can speed up your new rooming assigment, if you want."

"I know, I just don't want to bother anyone. Everyone is so busy right now,
I just didn't want to get in the way. It's half of the reason I accepted
Roan's offer of a few days leave from Medical."

Elissabeth nodded solemnly. "I can understand that. But coming to me with
any sort of problem you have is part of my job, you know." She smiled, but
then something occurred to her, "Do you really feel as though you're in the
way? Or have I given you that impression?"

Sighing, Anna lifted her cup to her lips and inhaled the aromatic vapour
deeply. "I am in the way. It's why Roan wanted me out. I screwed it up, sir.
I wanted to help, thought I could, but I still screwed it up."

"Screwed what up?"

"The virus! They were depending on me and I fucked it up. I made them blind.
When I was in sick bay, all I could hear was the science girl screaming. I
did that, sir. I did that."

Settling her cup back down on the table, Elissabeth sat forward and clapsed
her hands together across her knees, staring intently at Sussanna. "Did it
ever occur to you that you saved several people's lives and without your
quick thinking and actions people would've died?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I just can't get her voice out of my head."

Elissabeth closed her eyes for a moment, letting the silence hang in the
air. She could still hear moments of their away mission at certain times
too. Finally, she spoke. "I understand." She hoped the weight of her words
carried to Anna. It wasn't anything she would say  lightly.

Reaching forward, Anna spontaneously breached normal protocal and placed her
hand on top of Elissabeth's. "You still play it, don't you? Over and over,
in your head, like a bad holo-novel." She pulled back again and repicked up
her tea. "I do."

Nodding, she admitted it freely. "Yes. At first intentionally because I
tried and tried to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. Now, it
just comes on its own when I try hardest to forget."

"It's the sounds. I wake up in the middle of the night and my ears are
filled with the noises of that place. Then the images come creeping behind,
in black, white or sepia at first, and then colour. Mostly it's the blood I
see in colour, sometimes his eyes, sometimes..."

Waiting for her sentence to trail off, Elissabeth looked to her and asked
softly, "Have you talked to Counselor McKinsley yet? I have, and I felt
somewhat better. It went a long way to begin the healing process."

"No!" Her outburst  slopped hot tea down her fingers and she swore. "Sorry,
ouch, I didn't mean to shout. I just don't like psychologists. They're
vultures thriving on the lowest points of human existance. I won't have my
mind messed with. It's my pain, my faults, and I need to deal with them in
my way."

"I'm not going to order you to go, Anna, unless it becomes a problem. I
believe that we all do need to work things out in our own way, but I don't
always have superior officers that see things the way I do. I have faith in
your strength that you can work through this. So, don't be all agitated and
burn your fingers. You need them to play, you know."

Anna grinned as she mopped up her mess. "Thanks for the confidence, you're
one of the few people that seems to hold any level of belief in me at the
moment." Shaking herself, she took Lissi's empty cup back to the replicator
and automatically ordered them two more. "But you didn't come here to listen
to my self-absorbed rantings. Why are you  here, sir?"

"Actually, I did come here to hear any self-absorbed rantings. I wanted to
check on you and get your opinion on something."

"What ever I can help with, then please let me. I'm bored out of my mind.
I've been playing my way through Beethoven's symphonies, I'm gonna have to
start on Tchaikovsky next."

"Tchaikovsky," she smiled, "a favourite of a very dear friend of mine."
Elissabeth sobered at that point. "Captain Ketchum has asked me to give the
eulogy at John's memorial service and I thought... hoped, maybe, since you
were close, that you'd be willing to help me."

Elissabeth was clearly shaken and drawn. Anna didn't know what to say or do,
so she just nodded. "Anything," she said finally, "just tell me what you
want to know."

"Someone suggested that we keep it informal. In the family. What do you
think?"

"Yes. John loved that team." Her voice cracked a little. "John died for that
team."

"He died nobly."

"He did. Do  you have any idea about what you're going to say?"

"No. I've never been asked to do this before. I've seen it done, too many
times, and always hated it. Everything seemed so cold and rehearsed. And I
can't stand nothing but praise for the dead. John was wonderful, but he had
his faults too. But somehow I just don't think playing 'Speaker For the
Dead' would come across as socially acceptable."

"Do it. Let me help you. He was a wonderful person, but he was also
downright irritating at times. He was our brother, we loved him, we will
miss him, but we should fucking remember him for who he was, not some martyr
of a saint."

A grin spread over her face. "Thank you for that reassurance, Anna. Would
you like to help me write it?"

"Yes, absolutely. I miss him so much, you know? Oh God, how I miss him." The
ache she'd been suppressing all day finally gripped her and she doubled over
in her chair. Silent tears cascaded down her face but she didn't look up.
Instead  she said, in a muffled voice, "Let me help you."

 Sliding over just a bit, Elissabeth reached out and placed a silent hand on
Anna's shoulder. "I welcome your help."

Nodding with her head still buried in her knees, Anna reached up to hold
Lissi's hand very briefly. "Shall we begin now?" she said as she rubbed the
tears from her cheeks and sat up.

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