<USS Avalon> "A Chat with the Admiral" by Lt. Maturin

"A Chat with the Admiral"
By Lieutenant James Maturin
 
 
James had been summoned to Admiral Pew's office, which left him filled with no 
small amount of trepidation.  It had been a while since they had spoken.  The 
last time was when he said good-bye to Lyryn and the Admiral informed him of 
his new position.  He was Lyryn's contact with Intel.  This presented him with 
a dilemma that he had been contemplating for days.  
 
Intel was willing to let him keep his memory since he would be under constant 
surveillance and supervision. Of course, he figured, they were hoping that he'd 
possibly tell them a bit about the future as well.  His only problem was Lyryn. 
 Intel had made him her contact to help recognise any patterns of a memory 
return for her.  After all, he had been closest to her, so if there were to be 
any lapses, most like it would come through while conversing with him and could 
be caught and remedied immediately.  The assignment made perfect sense in a 
military way.  To him personally, it was torture.
 
He could either undergo a memory wipe just as she did or he could pretend to 
not know her and carry on with business.  Neither choice had much appeal.
 
He had done a bit of research on this memory erasing procedure.  In his and 
Lyryn's case, where false memories are implanted to replace the future ones ... 
well, it changed people.  It made sense, of course.  How could it not change 
them somewhat?  After all, they totally rebuilt all your experiences and 
feelings in the past.  What if  they got wrong how you would've reacted to 
something of great significance early in childhood?  This could somewhat alter 
the person you become. Generally speaking, it was safe and as close to perfect 
as possible due to the marvel of modern science and medicine.
 
But ... 
 
And he hated to think about that.  About Lyryn being a different person.  At 
least he would still be the same and could keep her alive in his memory.
 
Unfortunately, it was so very painful, emotionally speaking.  He thought of her 
in every spare moment.  He didn't realise how much he'd miss the way she smiled 
or the colour of her eyes.  He missed how she would roll her eyes and shake her 
head when they debated over the merits of a book, how her nose would crinkle 
when she laughed.  He missed the way she smelled.  There was no particular 
perfume - it was just the scent of her.  He loved her and he let her go.  But 
what choice did he have?  There was no winning in this situation.
 
James splashed his face with water and reached for the towel to pat it dry.  He 
stared at his reflection in the mirror.  The tiny lines near his eyes were 
becoming more prominent and there seemed to be a hint of silver mixed with the 
ginger coloured hair around his temples that he hadn't remembered being there 
before.  Boy, I'm sure looking old for someone not even born yet, he thought.
 
He left his quarters and walked purposely to the Admiral's office.  He was 
apprehensive about the meeting, fearing what it could mean.  He rang the chime 
at the door.
 
"Enter," came the Admiral's reply.
 
"Lt. James Maturin, reporting as ordered, Sir," James stated, standing at 
attention.
 
"At ease, Soldier," the Admiral chuckled.  "This is a personal call, not 
business.  Please, have a seat."
 
James blew out a breath that he didn't realise he was holding, finding comfort 
in Mordecai Pew's genial smile and ease of manner.  He took the seat proffered 
by the Admiral.
 
"I won't keep you long, Lt.," Pew began.  "I hope you do not mind my taking 
such a personal interest in your case.  I must admit that I have become 
intrigued with the fact that I can converse with someone who will not be born 
for almost 500 years.  Please forgive my childish interest."
 
James nodded, liking the Admiral more each time they spoke.
 
"I tend to think a lot about yours and Ms. Cate - err, that is Jr. Lt. 
Marksbury's situation, when time permits, of course.   It is a most unique case 
indeed.  I just wanted to personally speak to you and find out how you are 
holding up."
 
James swallowed hard.  Where should I start? he wondered.  He decided that 
complete honesty would be the best course, doubting that the Admiral would 
condemn him for feeling any particular way.
 
"To tell the truth, Admiral, I'm not really sure what to say.  I am faced with 
misgivings on a daily basis, constantly questioning mine and Lyryn's decisions. 
 Please do not mistake that for malcontent, as I have been treated very well 
and enjoy my duties here.  You just have to understand that I basically buried 
my best friend, though there is a living reminder out there on some ship called 
the Avalon who is her, but who is not her as well.  And then I know I must 
interact with her.  I honestly do not know if I am competent enough, Admiral 
Pew, to play this charade."
 
The Admiral sat silently, knowing if he remained so, then James would most 
likely continue his confession.  His years of commanding experience paid off, 
as James collected himself and went on.
 
"I don't mean to be so ... unprofessional, Sir.  I just wasn't sure how to 
answer your query.  I don't know if my reactions are correct.  Perhaps I am 
making much ado about nothing.  Lyryn seemed fine with it," he added bitterly, 
as he turned his eyes from the Admiral.
 
"If you will permit me, Son," the Admiral began, "I would like to put all rank 
and duty aside and speak to you as I would my own boy."  He waited for James' 
acquiescence, which he received in the form of another nod.  "There is, in my 
opinion, no right way to feel about this.  I've thought a great deal of what it 
would be like to walk around in your shoes right now, saying good-bye to the 
woman I loved, knowing that she chose the stars over me.  Knowing that I was 
ripped out of the only home I knew because of her and then left alone in an 
unfamiliar place...Hell, an unfamiliar time."
 
James' eyes widened to hear the Admiral speak so frankly.  And he wasn't so 
sure he liked hearing the truth from someone else's perspective.  It made Lyryn 
sound selfish and cruel.  He knew she was anything but.
 
Pew's ability to read people, though he was not a telepath, served him well.  
It was his wisdom in matters that caused him to consider his words carefully.  
"Please do not mistake my words, James.  I don't say them to bring you pain or 
to speak evil of the woman you love.  I find Ms. Cate to be a most delightful 
woman - competent, intelligent, and loyal - just to name a few of her 
qualities.  I found her to be a very remarkable young woman and even a part of 
me wishes she had stayed here," he admitted.  "There is no doubt in my mind 
that she loved you too."
 
James opened his mouth to speak, but the Admiral silenced him with an upraised 
hand.
 
"I don't pretend to know what sort of relationship you had, nor do I need to.  
It was just obvious from watching the two of you together that there was a 
great deal of affection and a deep rooted friendship there, if nothing else.  
In fact, I was envious watching you together."  Seeing James' quizzical look, 
he continued, "I had a ... relationship once, with a woman that I felt much the 
same thing that I imagine you feel for Ms. Cate.  But she was a career woman.  
Oh, we were the closest of friends while we served together aboard the 
Allegiance, but her career with Starfleet took her in another direction from 
mine."  He paused, considering his words.  "I do not mean to sound as if I were 
unaffected or to belittle your feelings.  It hurt like I had never hurt before. 
 I'm not sure how long I moped about before I realised that part of the reason 
I fell in love with her was her dedication to her job.  If she had passed up 
that promotion for me, she would've never been happy, nor
  would
 she have been that same spitfire I fell for," he smiled and his eye had a 
mischievous gleam of remembrance to it.  "We are still friends, to this day.  
We were just never meant for each other in the way I had hoped at the time."  
The Admiral sighed, hoping his story made some sort of sense.
 
"I guess I just wanted to say," Pew went on, "that I can empathise to a degree 
and I would hate to see your talent wasted on self-pity, contemplating the 
affection of a woman who has already made her choice."
 
"Duly noted, Sir," James replied, "And I thank you for your consideration."
 
"Please know that you are free to speak to me on a personal note, if the need 
ever arises.  It isn't exactly protocol, I know, but I think that special 
circumstances can be declared on this one." He gave a quick wink along with his 
smile.
 
"Now," the Admiral clapped his hands together.  "I must take this back to a 
professional level, Lt.  Will your feelings for Ms.Cate hinder you from your 
assignment?"
 
James thought about it for a moment.  "I ... I'm having a hard time with that, 
Sir.  I am still deciding about the memory erasure."
 
"Well, you have about a week and a half, I believe, to decide.  Jr. Lt. 
Marksbury is due to contact you then, correct?"
 
"Correct, Sir."
 
"And Dr. Brookman should've returned from Starbase 12 by then, if you require 
his assistance.  Please keep me informed of your decision, Lt. Maturin."
 
"Yes, Sir.  Thank you," James said as he stood.
 
"And James," the Admiral said, stopping him from walking out the door, "It will 
get easier with time."


                
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