atw: SEC: UNCLASS Plain English and corporate notices

This work is starting to get to me. There's something about working with
words all day that makes it hard to remember when you're off duty. I
spend so much time reflecting on how to rewrite procedures more clearly
that I've started collecting notices that I see in the lift or in the
tea-room, or wherever.

The message I get from these is not just, as you might think, that 'I
can write better than these jerks', though I can't deny that that
thought does arise. It's more how easy it is to make things complicated
- and I know how much it can help to get someone's else's input. 

Here's the latest, from our tea room:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
DISHWASHING LIQUID SUPPLIES

To facilitate resupply of dishwashing liquid we ask that the empty
container 
be placed on the counter top adjacent to the sink. A note in the nearest

Communications Book would act as a further reminder.

Evening cleaners will remove containers for re-filling.

Day staff will return filled containers the next working day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
----

[You might think from reading this that everyone who uses the tea room
would know about the Communications Book - what or where it is - or that
it's somewhere obvious near the notice. But they don't and it isn't.] 

I just couldn't resist trying for a clearer version. What about this?:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Please place empty dishwashing liquid containers beside the sink. 
They will be refilled the next working day.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Some notices, by contrast, are very effective. I found this one, put up
by the cleaner, whose effective and direct language I could hardly hope
to improve:
-------------------------------------------
If you miss the bin with your rubbish can
you please pick it up.

Thanks

Cleaner
--------------------------------------------


Another disaster, from the lift:
----------------------------------------
IN CASE OF LIFT FAILURE OR EMERGENCY, 
LIFT THE TELEPHONE HANDSET LOCATED 
WITHIN THE EMERGENCY TELEPHONE CUPBOARD, 
AND CALL EITHER OF THE TWO NUMBERS 
DETAILED BELOW.

SECURITY GUARDS  XXXX XXXX
OTIS LIFT HOTLINE  XXXX XXXX
----------------------------------------

My rewrite:
------------------------------------
In emergency, use phone in cupboard 
below to call

XXXX XXXX (Security) 
or 
XXXX XXXX (OTIS Lift Hotline)  
------------------------------------

[Notice how the capital letters in the original make it harder to read.]

That's enough for now. Anyone else got any they'd like to share?

Howard


-----------------------------------
       Howard L. Silcock
         Technical Writer
    Common Services SOE Program
Network Infrastructure Development
       Department of Defence
          109 Kent Street
          Deakin ACT 2600           
          (02) 626 58828  
-----------------------------------



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