atw: Re: John Cleese to the US

Good humor (or is that humour?)
Just two comment tho - We DID NOT elect Bush; his buddies have control of key voting machines.
I'm not terribly convinced that Tony Blair (a.k.a, Bush's poodle) would be much of an improvement. Between the two of them, one has brains but no balls, the other one is a brainless, puffed up, deluded little rooster who imagines that he has big balls. He is the classic example of a punter who was born on second base, so he thinks he's a double hitter.
And probably no one would notice - the current American culture is designed to keep us deaf, dumb, stupid, in a chronic state of panic and isolated from the rest of the world.
MHT



At 06:30 PM 11/21/2005, you wrote:
Yes, I know it is unacceptable American bashing, but amusing all the same. If you don't find it funny consider it an education in the differences between UK and US english.




 A MESSAGE FROM JOHN CLEESE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES



In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth 2 will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect. You should look up the work ?revocation? in the Oxford English Dictionary.



Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ?u? will be reinstated in words such as ?favour? and ?neighbour?. Likewise, you will learn t! o spell the word ?doughnut? without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ?ize? will be replaced by the suffix ?ise?. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed will filler noises such as ?like? and ?you know? is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on you r behalf. The Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated ?u? and the elimination of ?-ize?. You will relearn your original national anthem ?God Save The Queen?. The 4th of July will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you?re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you?re not adult enough to sort things out without! suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you?re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will not be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.



All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.



The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) ? roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.



The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth! , only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat?s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.



Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one?s ears removed with a cheese grater.



You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping every 20 seconds for a rest or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world outside your borders, your error is understandable. You must tell us who ! killed JFK. It?s been driving us mad.



An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her majesty?s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).



Thankyou for your co-operation.




Other related posts: