atw: John Cleese to the US

Yes, I know it is unacceptable American bashing, but amusing all the
same.  If you don't find it funny consider it an education in the
differences between UK and US english.
  

 

 A MESSAGE FROM JOHN CLEESE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES

 

In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth 2 will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect. You should look up the work "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary.

 

Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "u"
will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour". Likewise,
you will learn t! o spell the word "doughnut" without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed will filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such
thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on you r behalf. The
Microsoft spellchecker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated "u" and the elimination of "-ize". You will relearn your
original national anthem "God Save The Queen". The 4th of July will no
longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal
issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough
to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult enough to sort things out without! suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore,
you will not be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They
are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars,
you will understand what we mean.

 

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.

 

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn
to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real
chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth! , only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

 

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American
Football, but does not involve stopping every 20 seconds for a rest or
wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world outside your
borders, your error is understandable. You must tell us who ! killed
JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thankyou for your co-operation.

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