atw: Feeling sick? Blame your computer!

This is from Dave Barry , a columnist and comedy writer in the USA.  Do not 
take this advice too seriously.  (copyright remains with Dave Barry and so 
on).  Check his website for more funnies, and some that are really quite 
serious.

Feeling sick? Blame your computer!
DAVE BARRY, Miami Herald, Sun, Dec.  14, 2003

It's time once again for Keyboard Korner, the computer-advice column that 
uses simple, ''jargon-free'' terminology that even an idiot like you can 
grasp; the column that shows you how to ''take command'' of your personal 
computer, if necessary by reducing it to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet.

Today on Keyboard Korner we will address a very important topic: computer 
security.  If you own a computer, or have touched a computer, or have ever 
shaken hands with somebody who might have touched a computer, you need to 
take precautionary measures NOW.  Because modern cyberspace is not the 
friendly, open, trusting, safe place it was back in February.  Modern 
cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such 
as ''viruses,'' ''worms,'' ''Trojan horses'' and ''licensed Microsoft 
software'' that can take over your computer and render it useless.
This is exactly what happened last summer when the ''SoBig'' virus infected 
computers around the world, causing millions of computer users to be 
completely cut off from the Internet during what turned out to be a critical 
phase in the relationship of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.  Fortunately, 
most of these computer users were able to resume monitoring the situation by 
turning on their televisions.  But precious minutes were lost.

If you want to prevent a similar tragedy from happening to you, you should 
immediately take the following steps to protect your computer from viruses:
1.      Determine what version of operating system your computer uses, and 
write 
this information on a piece of paper.  If you don't know how to determine 
the version, just write down ``Version 2.038.''
2.      Now write down the numbers and expiration dates of all your credit 
cards.
3.      Now mail this information, along with your mother's maiden name, to

WARNING  WARNING  DELETE  DELETE

Whoa! That was a close one! A computer virus just attempted to take over the 
Keyboard Korner column WHILE YOU WERE READING IT.  That's how sophisticated 
these darned things have become!

And that's why it is so important that you take certain simple, basic steps 
to protect your computer.  To determine what these steps are, Keyboard 
Korner called the Association of Technical Support Personnel Who Actually 
Understand Computers, where, after a brief wait, we were connected with a 
cheerful, knowledgeable and sympathetic recorded message informing us that 
we would be kept on hold until the sun was a cold dark cinder the size of a 
walnut.

So we decided to do our own research into computer security, and here's what 
we learned: There is a Nigerian businessman, Mr. John Ombmwlbmle, who has 
come into possession of $285 million in cash, and he needs to give 35 
percent of it to somebody, and out of all the people on the planet earth, he 
has chosen Keyboard Korner! All we had to do is send him some banking 
information and samples of our signature! So pretty soon we will be on 
''Easy Street'' and won't have to write this stupid computer advice column 
for you losers, so ha ha ha!

But in the meantime, here are some simple, basic steps that you can take to 
make your computer secure:
1.  GET RID OF TEENAGERS -- Teenagers are a major cause of computer trouble, 
because they think they're so smart, and they're always messing with things 
and changing things and installing things and swapping songs and downloading 
disgusting porno filth that they refuse to share with their parents.  To 
prevent this from happening to you, get a good anti-teenager program such as 
Teen-B-Gone, which causes the computer, when booted up, to play, at full 
volume, a video of Mr. Barry Manilow singing his rousing hit number 
Copacabana.  NOTE: Teen-B-Gone is a complex program; to install and 
configure it properly, you will need the help of a teenager.

2.  CHECK FOR INCOMING ELECTRICITY -- One factor common to many computer 
viruses is that, in order to function, they require electricity.  Get down 
on your hands and knees and crawl under your desk; do you see a wire going 
from the computer to the wall? If so, chances are that -- unbeknownst to you 
-- this wire is bringing electricity directly into your house from a massive 
''power grid'' that is also connected to prisons, crack houses, municipal 
sewage facilities, porno filth stores, etc.  Yank it out.  (The wire, we 
mean.)  Then curl into a foetal position and REMAIN UNDER THE DESK, because 
there are new computer viruses out there now that can travel through the air 
and bypass your computer entirely and enter your brain via your dental 
fillings.  Keyboard Korner can feel it happening right now.

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