[atlantaprog] The Wall

Most of us subscribers are musicians; I thought y'all might enjoy this. It's
been residing on my hard drive for MANY years. It gives me an idea, in
fact--perhaps those of you who work in music/electronics stores could take
up doing the same thing, or encourage the same action on the part of your
pals who work there.

--

John H. Christopher
Woodstock, GA



***

The Wall
by Ron Long

A Word of Explanation...

From the mid '70's through the mid '80's, I owned a small music store
specializing in repair of guitars and electronic music gear. We dealt mostly
with professional musicians who knew what they needed, but occasionally a
neophyte would wander in and try to express his or her requirements in
technical jargon instead of just saying what they wanted.

Our policy was to try to complete the transaction with a straight face, then
the employee was required to run to the back of the shop and write the
babble on the wall as soon as possible so as to preserve it verbatim.

Some of the following will be funny only to pro audio type people. Others
will make sense only to guitar players. A few are so bizarre that nobody's
*ever* been able to make sense of them. All are real things that real people
said in my shop and got written on the wall. You shoulda heard the ones that
got away! Enjoy!

I didn't even break a string, so I lost my mind to change them.

My guitar is out of tonation.

I took my speaker to be recored.

There's a short somewhere along the line. I think it's in the ground.

How would I build an amplifier if I already had the speakers? Just select
the right diodes for the frequency, right?

For a while, they were selling like wildcakes.

Gary just set the indentation.

I put shimmies under the neck.

I need a new plate and a couple of pods on the input.

I played it at a recording recession last week.

This will go two or three keys on a fret, right?

Do you have cassette tape demagnifiers?

...all pandemanium broke loose!

When the string oscillates, it causes a fretting situation.

Does this distortion sing or does it dirt?

I plugged it in and the knob blew up!

How long will it take to set the inclination on my guitar?

I need something to give it more privalence.

I need a four amp slow burn fuse.

This cord is cheap. I don't get a thick enough current.

I can't sing lead, but I can sing rhythm.

Which one will make my guitar sound good?

Do you have Ovulation guitars?

I need two speaker jacks for more velocity.

Give me an extortion pedal.

We're looking for something with a lot of power. 200 cc's or so.

We need a cord adopter.

Do you have a pitchfork? No, I mean the kind you blow in.

My guitar is having tenacity problems.

He soldered some modern things in there that would help out.

It sounds all right, but I'm a little optimistic about it still.

How much is it for a $50.00 flanger?

Can you straighten the indentation on my guitar?

Which one is the crank box?

That guitar has lots of renaissance.

He said he checked these cords with a vomiter.

Man, when I heard that, it completed my imagination.

Give me a 1/4" phono jack plug end.

Impure sound.

Celestrion speakers.

DiMaggio pickups.

Tremellow.

Scream resistor.

Can you cut some wires to get more growl?

When a wire breaks and is repaired, you still lose some of its impedance,
right?

Do you have Whirled-Wind cords?

If these speakers are efficient, I could just wire them up, right?

The lowest priced ones were in this business (ed. note: we're no longer in
this business!)

It had magnetic pickups and a Bigsby tonearm.

We're not out of the clear yet.

Is there any modern stuff you could put in my guitar to make it sound
better?

The object itself justifies the price.

Is that a paramedic equalizer?

Well, bizarre me!

Do you have the strings with the two balls on the end for the Steinbrenner?

He said the neck was warped because of a difference in tensile strengths.

When I play it, the sound becomes even more erect.

After the guitar, there comes a point where you get to the amplifier, right?

Can't you just put it on the scope and see what's wrong?

You blew up those speakers because they gave you too efficient a speaker
cord.

I'm in the financial disposition that I can't do it now.

We're looking for a no-thrills microphone.

If you use your effects right, you can't tell if they're on.

"It's almost the thermal equinox." "No, the vermal equinox."

Do you have electronic metrodomes?

Those Bartonelli pickups aren't bad.

What kind of string do I buy for low action?

You've never seen invisible stands?

It feeds back with a loud howl like a dead input short.

It's a Peavey Pastry.

Show me a wow-wow pedal.

The tit on the plug is hot, right?

Stan cleaned the pontomiters.

It slipped my remembrance.

Bill said he'd fix our Roving Restroom.

A fully professional synthesizer.

Do you have a digital relay?

Do you do nut work here?

When you put it in reverse, it blows the fuse.

Can you fix the reverd?

I use a power soak so my Marshall doesn't drain out the whole stage.

Do you have a tremble bar?

Do you got a circumciser to set on top of the piano?

How much is a pickup that will give me a lighter sound?

I want a new pickup and two new pots and pans.

Do you sell Belgian cable?

Just give me a round ball figure.

Output voltage is an exponential thing.

Our drummer has a Lugwood double set.

There's a shortage in both of these cords!

We need some registers for our snakes.

How much do you sell stuff for?

Can I get the $9.95 bench press on my amp?

Somebody told me my amp was passing current.

I need a direct box with a transformer to keep my microphone cords from
heating up.

I know the cord's OK, 'cause I can hear it buzzing.

I need a 16 gauge speaker.

How fast does that vibrayto go in H-Z?

I need some speakers rehoned.

How much will it cost and how many rpm's go through it?

I need a set of semantics for my amp.

Having a speaker reconed is like throwing money in the bushes.



Heartfelt thanks to Hilary Paprocki, electronics tech extraordinaire and
perpetual student of language, who took the time to transcribe this stuff
from the wall during the move to our new digs. Thanks, PeeWee!

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