[atlantaprog] Re: Critique wanted...

Appreciate the feedback. Some of things you mentioned are being addressed in with the addition of two more numbers. Others are beyond the scope of what I'm at liberty to (i.e. the lyrics of New Messiah are locked in for various reasons). Much of the arrangement questions will be cleaned up when the soundtrack is recorded (and indeed wouldn't have been an issue in this version had there been a longer rehearsal period (and budget!).
A lot of your comments reflect on directorial shortcomings (most of which were brought about by lack of resources and space limitations), and are good to hear pointed out. Example - the part two transition was intended to be what the fanboy was watching on the TV, but apparently lighting shifts and a "Midnight Special" slide were insufficient to make this clear - a bigger budget would have allowed us to have the fanboy's TV visible to the audience carrying a "live feed" of the band. 

The repeating lyrics in the last song were a performer error!
There were indeed background singers in the Walk Amongst the Stars song (the video soundtrack is a direct board recording of the show). 

The repetitive background in part 6 was due to a performance constraint.

Thanks again!

On Feb 27, 2009, at 5:46 PM, Curt Blanton wrote:
In the opening song, the lyrics “Walk Amongst the Stars” are sung by the main character as well as backup singers, though I don’t remember this being the case when I saw the rock-opera live, the chord sounds in the video like a minor chord. I do not think this is fitting for the opening song because this is the introduction of the star and it should be building him up as a larger-than life persona as opposed to already foreshadowing his fall. The rhyming in the second song detracts from the meaning. It feels forced, and the song would not be readily understandable without the visual. In Part 2 at 3:34, transition is needed between the fanboy’s soliloquy and Sisyphus’s appearance onstage; the current change is abrupt and the listener will question why that happened. In Part 3 the guitar chords combined with the violin are very choppy, I don’t know if it is because the electric violin is not quite in tune or the musicians are not quite together because it sounds better later on, but it doesn’t sound harmonious. In contrast to the other abrupt transition, the abrupt transition a little before 6:30 works very well with the change of tone. Though you said not to comment on actors, I love the way your actor for Sisyphus portrays him. The chorus in “The New Messiah” really needs to be reworked. The way the harmony lines work together sounds like a dying croon. Also the rap-esque part doesn’t sound in keeping with the rest of the song, and the part at 3:01 feels like it should rhyme, but none of it does. This whole song reminds me of Rush, but isn’t quite there. I think if you edited this whole song just a little bit it would be great. I love the recapitulation at 7:50 of Part 4. I love the song at the beginning of Part 6; it’s very catchy; however, there’s a bit too much repetitive background. I think it should be spiced up a little bit between choruses. The lyrics of the last song is very weak in my opinion because it doesn’t say anything, and just repeats the same lyrics over and over and over. No questions are answered, it’s just a way to progress the plot and it shouldn’t be. The talk show scene is poorly set up and needs to be reworked. Probably more insight should be given about the “cult” the fanboy has set up. 
I also feel like the ending lacks absolute closure.
If you would like more extensive lyrical editing, I am a good literary editor, so I can edit the lyrics if I can somehow view them in print. 

I hope this helps,
Caila Blanton
From: atlantaprog-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx [mailto:atlantaprog- bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Allen Welty-Green 
Sent: Monday, February 16, 2009 10:22 PM
To: atlantaprog@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Cc: atlantatheatre@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [atlantaprog] Critique wanted...
Two years ago, I produced a work-in-progress version of my rock- opera, Sisyphus (as some of you may recall). The story deals with a 70's prog/glam superstar and an obsessed teen fan. It tracks their relationship into the present day, through various tragedies and transformations. I wrote this in the mid 80s, but only recently was able to find the energy to make it happen.
The whole thing is about an hour, and it's all up on Youtube. I am about to record a studio version of the score, and shop it to "legit" theaters, but before I do, I'm trying to get informed criticism.
I am well aware of its many weaknesses, so what I don't need are critiques of the shoestring production values, or the quality of performance by the actors actors. What I DO need is an evaluation of the narrative itself, and an objective appraisal of the compositions and lyrics.
Any of ya'll up to the task? I'd really prefer if you watched the whole thing so you can get the whole story, but any feedback is helpful. Each of the 8 sections is linked from this webpage: 

http://www.gnosisarts.org/sisyphus/

Thanks in advance. (PS I'm the big, geeky keyboard player)

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