[atlantaprog] Re: Critique wanted...

In the opening song, the lyrics "Walk Amongst the Stars" are sung by the
main character as well as backup singers, though I don't remember this being
the case when I saw the rock-opera live, the chord sounds in the video like
a minor chord. I do not think this is fitting for the opening song because
this is the introduction of the star and it should be building him up as  a
larger-than life persona as opposed to already foreshadowing his fall. 

The rhyming in the second song detracts from the meaning. It feels forced,
and the song would not be readily understandable without the visual.

In Part 2 at 3:34, transition is needed between the fanboy's soliloquy and
Sisyphus's appearance onstage; the current change is abrupt and the listener
will question why that happened.

In Part 3 the guitar chords combined with the violin are very choppy, I
don't know if it is because the electric violin is not quite in tune or the
musicians are not quite together because it sounds better later on, but it
doesn't sound harmonious. In contrast to the other abrupt transition, the
abrupt transition a little before 6:30 works very well with the change of
tone.

Though you said not to comment on actors, I love the way your actor for
Sisyphus portrays him. The chorus in "The New Messiah" really needs to be
reworked. The way the harmony lines work together sounds like a dying croon.
Also the rap-esque part doesn't sound in keeping with the rest of the song,
and the part at 3:01 feels like it should rhyme, but none of it does. This
whole song reminds me of Rush, but isn't quite there. I think if you edited
this whole song just a little bit it would be great. I love the
recapitulation at 7:50 of Part 4.

I love the song at the beginning of Part 6; it's very catchy; however,
there's a bit too much repetitive background. I think it should be spiced up
a little bit between choruses. The lyrics of the last song is very weak in
my opinion because it doesn't say anything, and just repeats the same lyrics
over and over and over. No questions are answered, it's just a way to
progress the plot and it shouldn't be. The talk show scene is poorly set up
and needs to be reworked. Probably more insight should be given about the
"cult" the fanboy has set up.

I also feel like the ending lacks absolute closure. 

 

If you would like more extensive lyrical editing, I am a good literary
editor, so I can edit the lyrics if I can somehow view them in print.

 

I hope this helps,

Caila Blanton

 

 

From: atlantaprog-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
[mailto:atlantaprog-bounce@xxxxxxxxxxxxx] On Behalf Of Allen Welty-Green
Sent: Monday, February 16, 2009 10:22 PM
To: atlantaprog@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Cc: atlantatheatre@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [atlantaprog] Critique wanted...

 

Two years ago, I produced a work-in-progress version of my rock-opera,
Sisyphus (as some of you may recall). The story deals with a 70's prog/glam
superstar and an obsessed teen fan. It tracks their relationship into the
present day, through various tragedies and transformations. I wrote this in
the mid 80s, but only recently was able to find the energy to make it
happen.

 

The whole thing is about an hour, and it's all up on Youtube. I am about to
record a studio version of the score, and shop it to "legit" theaters, but
before I do, I'm trying to get informed criticism. 

 

I am well aware of its many weaknesses, so what I don't need are critiques
of the shoestring production values, or the quality of performance by the
actors actors. What I DO need is an evaluation of the narrative itself, and
an objective appraisal of the compositions and lyrics.

 

Any of ya'll up to the task? I'd really prefer if you watched the whole
thing so you can get the whole story, but any feedback is helpful. Each of
the 8 sections is linked from this webpage:

 

http://www.gnosisarts.org/sisyphus/

 

Thanks in advance. (PS I'm the big, geeky keyboard player)

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