[atlantaprog] All my cultural icons are getting hip replacement surgery.

All my cultural icons are getting hip replacement surgery.

Eddie Van Halen. Steve Perry. Mick Mars of Motley Crue. What do they have in common? Recent hip replacement surgery. The latter two even claim to have serious chronic degenerative diseases. Okay, Mick Mars was never actually a cultural icon of mine. But I'm talking about an important trend here.

All the rock stars I grew up listening to are in their fifties now, some even in their sixties, and one way or another all that hard living and rock and roll lifestyle is catching up with them.

America is ageing. Just last night, during prime time on a major TV network's broadcasts, I saw a television commercial from some huge pharmaceutical and medical equipment firm. It started out like one of those ads for a prescription medication. It showed an elderly couple going through a grocery store and doing a lot of walking, reaching and bending. The commercial was for a particular brand of prosthetic hip joint. You may not need a new hip joint. But if you do, be sure to ask your orthopedist to install the Titanium Flex-O-Matic from SmithKlineBeechamDowGlaxoAstraZeneca.

Now I've read a lot on the Internet about the shocking loss of Dimebag Darrell, and one thing came up over and over again--his endorsements. Dimebag custom model guitars, tube amp stacks, effects pedals, strings, picks, magenta beard-dye.

It just reminds me of what rock star guitarists do best. Endorse merchandise.

So I put it all together. Eddie, Steve and Mick, and a host of others, have fans that are almost as old as they are, and getting older rapidly. Endorsement opportunities! How about the Eddie Van Halen model prosthetic hip replacement unit. With one of Eddie's bionic hips, you can now emulate his previously inimitable and undoubtedly impressive rock-star posture. You can slide around on stage arpeggiating like mad well into your 60s. Steve Perry will be marketing his own model, too--light, ultra-flexible, and very smooth.

What's the hook? Logos. As soon as your surgery heals, SmithKlineBeechamDowGlaxoAstraZeneca will send you a coupon redeemable at any one of hundreds of licensed tattoo parlors nationwide. You can get a bright red Van Halen logo tattooed right over the prosthesis. What a conversation piece.

It's just a couple short decades until we'll be hearing thrash metal blaring from boom boxes in the rooms at the nursing homes in Florida, as the residents sit in the hallways in their wheelchairs, banging their heads. We'd better start thinking ahead.

Wheat Williams, 2004
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