[Ampex] To practice your English


























These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things 
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by 
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while  these exchanges 
were actually taking place. 

  





   ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   WITNESS: I forget.
   ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 



  ___________________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he 
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
   WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 



  ____________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
   WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. 

  ___________________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
   WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 



  _________________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
   WITNESS: Getting laid 



  ____________________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
   WITNESS: None.
   ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
   W WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new 
attorney? 



  ____________________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
   WITNESS: By death.
   ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
   WITNESS: Take a guess. 



  ____________________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
   WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
   ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
   WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 



 _____________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition 
notice which I sent to your attorney? 
  

   WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 



  ______________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead 
people?
   WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 



  _________________________________________ 



   ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
   WITNESS: Oral. 

   _________________________________________ 



     ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
     WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
     ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
     WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. 



    ____________________________________________ 



     ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
     WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? 



    ______________________________________ 



     And the best for last: 

     ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a 
pulse?
     WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
     WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
     WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you 
began the autopsy?
     WITNESS: No.
     ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
     WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
     ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
     WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing 
law.


     THINK ABOUT IT!  MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS. 




  

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