[altroots] Bicycling for the Politically Correct

Bicycling for the Politically Correct

By Rodger French
June 7, 2005

First things first ­ let¹s get the record straight on the origin of the term
³politically correct² or ³PC.² It is, quite literally, a joke. The phrase
entered our lexicon some years ago as an expression of ironic
self-deprecation on the part of various Lefties, many of whom were keenly
aware of their image as being too serious, too sensitive and way too
humorless. Not that there wasn¹t ­ and isn¹t ­ plenty to be serious about.
Like saving the world from the clutches of the NeoCons and the
Talibangelicals and their dissembling pinhead President. But... that is
another rant.

Point is, ³PC² was self-referential and never meant to be taken seriously.
Unfortunately, taken it was ­ highjacked, as it were, by the Right-Wing
Noise Machine - and morphed into a dreaded opprobrium, much in the same way
³Liberal² was demagogued into a four-letter word and "Purple Heart" was
denigrated from a medal to a band-aid. Of course, now there is a new,
thoroughly unfunny concept of ³PC² in town - ³America Uber Alles² -
manifesting itself in the form of semi-literate bluster, patriotic pandering
and obeisant groveling, all in the name of a "culture of life." Speaking of
jokes. But... 

So then, on to bicycling. I am, and have been for over 30 years, a bike
commuter. Partly by design and partly through sheer good fortune, I am able
to use my commuting time to actually improve my health. I have benefited
enormously and - in the spirit of classic political correctness ­ made a
positive contribution to our collective environment. Consequently, I
sometimes feel like a superior person - which, of course, I am not - but it
seems a harmless enough delusion and, since it actually helps keep me out on
the road, I occasionally allow myself a measure of "PC" hubris.

And these days, a biker needs all the edge she/he can get. Bike commuting
has never been particularly easy, at least not in a fundamentally
bike-unfriendly city like Atlanta. (To clarify, we're talking streets here,
not designated cycling/pedestrian paths.) But the explosive proliferation of
SUVs (Satan¹s Utility Vehicles) coupled with the increased use of cell
phones while driving (which, short of playing with a loaded gun, is about
the most unbelievably reckless activity imaginable), have made already risky
roads into potential free-fire zones. Don¹t misunderstand, I still love
biking to work; but anyone looking to ride on city streets needs to have
their shit seriously together.

Not to worry - I¹m here to offer my own, possibly helpful "Rules for the
Road." [NOTE: These pearls of sagacity are intended to supplement the
conventional wisdom, such as: keep your bike in good repair; obey traffic
laws; high visibility is good; hydrate or die; SPF 45; if you're not thin,
avoid Spandex, etc., etc. All good advice, especially Rule #1.]

Rule #1: WEAR A HELMET - BOZO. Who cares if it makes you look like a
mushroom - you¹ll only need it once, like when you're forced off the road
and over your handlebars. (I also strongly recommend riding glasses and some
sort of left side-view mirror.)

Rule #2: TRUST NO ONE. I'm not trying to scare you, but it's essential to
remember that all drivers are, at best, boneheads and, at worst, homicidal
maniacs. (Incidentally, this also applies to you and me when we¹re behind
the wheel.) Treat them all as potential assassins. This is especially true
of SUV drivers, most of whom inexplicably believe themselves invulnerable
and thus exempt from the laws of physics. In reality, they simply have no
bloody concept of how much space they¹re consuming, especially on their
starboard side, and are thus stupidly oblivious to your existence.

(Possible Exceptions to Rule #2: bus and truck drivers. They generally know
their very large vehicles very well and may even be aware of your presence.)

Rule #3: KEEP EMOTIONS IN CHECK. Enjoy yourself; take pleasure in the breeze
cooling your sweaty brow and blowing up your shorts. Oh yes, by all means.
But anger? Rage? Not helpful, kiddo. And fear? No freakin' way. You help pay
for the roads and are legally entitled to ride on them. So go forth in
confidence and claim your rightful place out there.

By the way, as you ride, always assume that there is a vehicle close by on
your port side and be prepared to stand your ground - they might not like
it, but they will go around you. Also, sidewalks are for pedestrians; so
stay clear, except in emergencies. Like when an asshole in an SUV turns
right - without looking and with no signal - and forces you to jump the
curb. (See Rule #1.)

Rule #4: TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED. This is especially important for
commuting, since one typically covers the same stretch of pavement day after
day. Road conditions and traffic flows change constantly, so take care not
to switch to automatic pilot. Always be on the lookout for exit strategies
and don't forget: a moving target is harder to hit. And NEVER rely on
vehicle turn signals or lack thereof. Seriously.

Rule #5: DON¹T BE A SHITHEAD. We bikers have enough to deal with without one
of our own making it worse. For example, I've seen cyclists who ride in the
center of a traffic lane instead of to the right where we logically (and
legally) belong. This only serves to piss motorists off ­ and rightly so ­
thereby making life on the streets that much more contentious. For me, thank
you very much.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not address the important issue of
"appropriate response." Sooner or later, you'll need a comeback for some
idiot who, whether out of frustration, malice or a perverse sense of fun,
yells uncomplimentary things at you. Over the years, I have experimented
with yelling back (typically an epithet regarding their maternal
relationship) and/or making colorful Italian hand gestures in their general
direction. But I have only recently discovered the perfect and - dare I say
it - politically correct response:

Blow them a kiss. Really. It'll drive 'em nuts and make you feel great.
Heck, maybe even superior.

Have fun and be safe out there. Onward.

[Your correspondent has a weblog to which he will periodically post
thoughtful essays and opinionated rants for your consideration:
http://home.earthlink.net/~deluxevaudeville/rgfrenchweblog/]

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